By Coleen York
Through most of high school and part of college I was actually pretty bad at relationships. And by that I mean I thought I was really good at them. If relationships were Pokémon cards, it may have seemed I was trying to collect (…or date) them all.
In hindsight it might appear worse to me than it actually was. But the point is, I didn’t sit around waiting patiently for the proverbial “one” God had for me. I’m not advocating dating around or dating people you know you really oughtn’t. In fact, if you have (or still are) waiting patiently for your prince or princess, I stand up and sincerely applaud you.
But I didn’t.
I knew he would eventually come, but I decided it was my job to track him down. Desperate to find him, I continually tried to convince myself I had, when I so clearly had not. Unfortunately, this led to compromising morally, sticking around for verbal and emotional abuse, and hurting other people (and myself) when I finally faced the music and realized I wasn’t where God wanted me, or with whom God wanted me.
This is why seeking God before entering into any relationship is so important. If you know in your heart it isn’t right, don’t do it. Save yourself (and them) a lot of problems and ultimately heartache by listening even when it’s hard.
But what if we didn’t do that? What if your story, like mine, is a lot messier? What does that mean for us?
I used to think that it meant I would have to go a certain amount of time being single before I could ever truly find the RIGHT one. It was like I had to pay a time tax on my previous relationship failings. I mean, if I were God (and thank Heavens I am not), that’s what I would do to make sure I had really learned my lesson. Or maybe we sabotage ourselves even when a good relationship does come around because we are convinced we are unworthy and undeserving.
Well … I hate to break it to you but we actually are undeserving. You can’t earn blessings by doing all the right things and forcing yourself to serve time for your previous mistakes. God didn’t give us a formulaic equation (which is also good because I am terrible at math) that says if you do this, this, this, and this, but also don’t do this, then I will give you THIS. That puts all the emphasis on you and what you can do and exactly no emphasis on God’s grace.
Let me get one thing straight, that doesn’t mean you should throw caution to the wind and do whatever you feel like with whomever you feel like doing it. As I mentioned above, that only leads to painful emotional scarring that you will eventually have to face if you ever want a healthy relationship. HOWEVER, regardless of whether you have waited patiently and trusted God to bring your spouse, or if you played the field a little too much, you can’t earn a good relationship. God may want some time alone with you to help you heal from past hurts, but that isn’t a prison or a punishment.
Marriage and relationships (the way God intended) are blessings. You cannot personally produce a blessing by following a formula. And you cannot cancel God’s grace because you constructed the Empire State Building of dating disasters.
Jesus did not say, “Go and sin (or date) no more for 3-6 months before I will offer you forgiveness.” Grace is immediate. No matter how recent the sin, you do not have to serve time for God’s grace. He offers it freely to repentant hearts without delay. No time tax required. Jesus already paid the price for ALL of your sins and blunders on a cross over 2,000 years ago.
Do not hold yourself in bondage to your past mistakes when Christ has already set you free. Do not carry the burdens of a past broken relationship into a new God-given relationship.
Titus 3:4-5– But when kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
A big THANK YOU to Colleen for sharing this so very important message . So many of us , both men and women , have been very scarred by relationships that did not work out . Our GOS is SO MERCIFUL …. We must love OURSELVES before we can have that intimate, life changing , soulmate kind of LOVE ! We all need hope to cope !! If you truly trust in the LORD for ALL THINGS …. Then love Him , love yourself , and get ready for remarkable blessings to head your way !! START A NEW LIFE WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART !! That JOY will be YOUR strength .
Joanie, amen! God is definitely merciful, and He says that our sins are as far as the East is from the West, so He doesn’t want us to be miserable and wallow. Satan is the one that comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Christ came so that we may have life nad have it more abundantly. When we repent for our mistakes, God forgives instantly. When we ask for healing, He reaches out His scarred hand. We are the ones that often struggle with forgiving ourselves and allowing ourselves to heal. With Him, all things are possible!
This is so spot on and so full of truth. Really beautifully written. I got saved about 2years ago after a bad break up (which turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me) so i can really relate. I wrote a bit but I’ve been havin a hard time starting again. Your blog’s as well as Jarreds have really been inspiring. I pray that God continues to shine His light thru your work.
Hephzibah, thanks for sharing! It’s encouraging to hear how Coleen and Jarrid have encouraged and inspired you. Break-ups are do painful, but I can attest that such beauty can come from those ashes. Back in college I was in a terribly unhealthy relationship that I fought hard for, but when I finally let go, God brought me the most incredible man that I knew was a treasured gift from Him. I never would have received that blessing though if I hadn’t come through the pain. Hopefully you will find the words to begin your writing again soon 🙂 Glad you stopped by!
I wish I had this article to read about 11 years ago. 🙂 Thankfully, God taught me this lesson eventually and (shortly thereafter) provided a man who (like Jesus) looked past my brokenness and baggage and swept me off my feet! We are going on 9 years of marriage and counting!
Heather, I didn’t realize you and your husband have been married for nearly 9 years! Congratulations! What a beautiful example of the Christlike love we, as a spouse, are to show to our husband or wife. I too found such love, grace, and forgiveness through my husband who also swept me off my feet. He is truly my earthly example of my Heavenly Father’s love. Thanks for sharing!
Really needed this….I liked this one guy so much.. if God hadn’t intervened I would be in tons of trouble. God obviously knew I’d make him an idol. So we couldn’t be together. yeah, he moved. we still talked for two years after. I didn’t listen to God when He told me not to enter a relationship… I did even though we were LOTS of miles apart. It didn’t work out but we stayed friends.. even though God told me I don’t know how many times to end the friendship/relationship. I told him everything. Instead of God.. i went to him. I thought he was the “one” and didn’t care about what God thought. It completely ended a few months ago.. And I still regret telling him so much. I’ve been thinking ever since “God’s never going to give me a man because of that. Because I didn’t listen.” Glad to know this.. Glad I can have peace and move on. thank-you for this post!
Darby, I can absolutely relate to the struggle of letting someone go that you’ve made the center of your being. It’s weird how they have this invisible grasp on your heart that you can’t seem to convince yourself to pry off. Personally, I ignored God’s promptings for several years in my previous relationship, and I absolutely paid the price. It wasn’t that God was punishing me, but He had been trying to protect me. Unfortunately I was too stubborn to just listen and obey. Fortunately though, I surrendered that situation to him eventually and was able to find not only freedom, but the husband of my dreams. My prayer for you is that in your obedience to Him, no matter how long it took, that you would reap the rewards and see His hand moving on your behalf! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Ashley. Darby i can relate. I also thought i knew best and shut God out for about 4 years and not for one second was it worth it. Ended up getting hurt really bad but that hurt taught me SO much. Lessons I’ll carry with me for life and that have helped me avoid more disasters. God can work with your situation, no matter how bad it seems! Looking back now i wouldn’t change a thing. I may not have been where God wanted me to be but there’s so many girls that find themselves in the situation we were all in and if it hadn’t been for our mistakes we wouldn’t be able to encourage and support them. You’ve got God on your side Darby-you’ll be just fine : ).