By Ashley McIlwain

As I made the bed up with the fresh sheets I had just washed, I found frustration bubbling up inside of me. After all, I do all of the cleaning including washing the sheets and making the bed by myself all of the time. Why is that the one time I’m actually doing it on the weekend when my husband is sitting in the other room, he doesn’t help me? Would it kill him just this once to help? I mean, surely he heard me shut the dryer door, and he knew I was washing the sheets. Doesn’t that set off an alarm in his head that it’s time to make the bed?

Clearly this line of thinking was leading nowhere fast. My frustration was taking on more of an anger-like form, and venting to myself was turning into more of a critical spirit of my husband. I caught myself and felt ashamed that I had let my mind go off on an unnecessary tangent. As I repented in my heart for my little mental escapade, I realized something crucial …

I never asked.

In my mind I was thinking that my husband should have come and helped me, but I never asked him to. Instead I was expecting him to follow the signals … the dryer door shutting, the realization I was out of the room just at the time when the sheets were done, the vie I was putting out there. Granted, those may be things I notice, but it’s unfair for me to put those expectations on my husband just because that’s the way I operate.

While mulling over the unfairness of my approach, my husband further confirmed that there’s a better way. He had gotten up to do something and saw that I had made the bed. With a big smile on his face, he said, “Thank you so much for washing the sheets and making the bed honey! Just so you know though, I would love to help you do stuff like that when I’m home and able. All you need to do is ask so that I know you’re doing it, and I would be more than happy to.”

Mind Reading

I didn’t know whether to wrap Steve up in my arms with a big hug for being so sweet or put my head down in shame at how harsh I had been on him (even if it was only in my head). As a woman, I have this tendency to want my husband to do things magically on his own based on invisible and intangible “signals.” I’m not sure why, but I constantly set him up for this failure. Granted there are times my sweet Steve could be a little more observant, but the reality is, it’s unrealistic to demand this mind-reading approach of Steve.

Ladies, I have a feeling I’m not alone on this one. Am I right? I mean, we say to ourselves, “I notice these things. Why shouldn’t he?” We mumble, complain, and have mental (sometimes verbal) rants about our husband’s inconsiderate and incomprehensible inability to perceive what needs to be done. But here’s the thing – men aren’t women, our husbands aren’t us. We have a God-given ability to intuitively feel out what needs to be done and even what others are feeling. That’s just not most guys’ strong suits, and that’s ok. It’s different, not wrong.

Ask

What I have learned both from personal trial and error with my husband is that the best way to get him to help me out is to ask him. Mind blowing, genius concept, right? While it’s nice to have someone just instinctively know to do something, oftentimes that’s just not the way it works. Granted, men, you can definitely work on your perceptive capabilities, but ladies, sometimes … most times … it’s as simple as asking.

Asking doesn’t eliminate or dilute the blessing of a helping hand from your husband. In fact, requests open the door for your husband to meet your specific needs in his own special way. It’s an opportunity for him to show his love and support while giving you a little break.

In his book, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor addresses this issue stating, “If you need something, want something desire something, crave something, long for something, pine for something, yearn for something – you are going to have to ask for it.” He’s right. And it doesn’t stop there.

Requests Vs. Nagging

If we’re being very honest, we’re most likely going to have to ask more than once. Now some call this nagging … they would be wrong. Nagging is when you take your requests and turn them into demands copping an attitude along the way. But, if you simply ask kindly and lovingly, then you are making a request. Most men appreciate the reminders truthfully.

A personal example of this is that my husband Steve writes a monthly article for us here on Foundation Restoration called Hubs Corner. Well, a couple weeks out from when he is supposed to get it to me, I usually just make mention of his upcoming deadline. Then about a week out, I remind him again. Finally, a couple of days before I need his article, I will again gently check in with him to see how it’s coming along. Every time I touch base with him, I make sure that I am doing it out of a genuine, loving place with his best interest in mind. Sometimes I even ask him if I’m asking too much, and he assures me that I’m not and how much he appreciates and needs my reminders.

Ask and keep asking. Not because your husband is an incompetent piece of work, but because you know that he is different from you and needs some gentle promptings. It’s about setting him up for success to meet your needs.

Clear Terms

Something else I have discovered is that it helps to establish clear terms for which I’m asking. Basically I kindly and specifically outline what I’m asking him to do and when I’d like to see it done by. This seems to be a system that has worked most effectively for us. For example, I will say, “Can you please put that box of stuff down in the garage tonight?”

My husband appreciates this method as much as I do because we both understand the what, when, where, and how of my request. This clarification saves both of us a lot of frustration.

Allow Him

Ladies, something most of us struggle with is actually allowing our husbands to help us. Many of us are control freaks, and the problem isn’t so much in the willingness of our spouse as it is our micro-managing. We don’t just want it done; we want it done our way. Can I get an amen?

Look, we can’t do it all and be it all to everyone all of the time. It’s not possible, so we just need to let some things go. Maybe he doesn’t stack the dishwasher in the most efficient of ways, but he helped out, didn’t he? Sure, he may not have picked up the brand of ketchup you like, but it’s one less thing off of your plate, right? We have to learn to let go of the obsessive compulsive control and allow our men to help us out … in their own way. In fact, I’ve found myself literally laughing out loud at some of Steve’s quirky ways of doing things. It’s not about the method so much as the heart behind it.

Our husbands aren’t magicians or mind readers. They aren’t incompetent or stupid. Most of them aren’t lazy or insensitive even. They’re just guys with a different set of skills than ours. And that’s ok. So instead of berating, disrespecting, or humiliating our husband’s for not thinking like us, let’s just start asking and allowing.

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