Up, Over, Down

By Steve McIlwain

Hubs here.

Part of every relationship’s journey is a relationship journey.  What does that even mean?  While the obvious connection at hand is your own marriage, it is also vital to cultivate strong, edifying friendships with other couples along the way.  It is validating, inspiring, and enlightening to spend time with couples of all ages.

There are three important directional relationships, and each brings something unique, different, and vibrant to your own marriage.  Through building strong ties in each of these directions, you can seek to learn from experienced couples, share the journey with people in your same stage of life, and pour into the next generation of marriages.

• UP: Find a couple that’s older than you and can serve as mentors.  Older couples have a wealth of experience and knowledge.  They’ve been there before and can provide perspective, insight, and inspiration to help you deal with your own current issues.  Be quick to ask questions, listen intently, and soak up all the knowledge you can.  It’s insightful, encouraging, and often hilarious.  You’ll be amazed and invigorated by the incredibly powerful lessons and surprising similarities to your own struggles.

Mentors can be old family friends, people from church or school, or anyone else you may know.  While your parents are generally good sources of mentorship, find someone else for this role so you can tap into their experiences and get a fresh perspective.  The frequency really depends on your own schedule, but perhaps once every few months you can carve out some time to have dinner with them, discuss your current issues, and listen to their advice and stories.

• OVER: Having close relationships with couples close to your age and stage of life provides a strong framework to discuss issues, provide support, and enjoy life together.  There’s something almost magical about spending time with other couples that love each other.  There is an uplifting, encouraging quality that is vital to the success of your own marriage.  They provide an outlet for the challenges your faces and constructively build you back up.

This group can be existing friends, church friends, or new friends that you seek out.  It is important to ensure that they are mutual.  Simply sliding into one spouse’s group of friends (her sorority girls or his college buddies) is likely not the best fit for you as a couple.  In some cases that may work perfectly, but in other situations that is a recipe for disaster.  It is essential that both spouses feel open and connected to the group so that vulnerable communication can occur.

You will likely spend the most frequent time with this group.  You can meet weekly in a small group setting and/or have regular social outings.  It can be a formal setting with some type of focused study (Bible, small group, etc.), or it can be informal (dinner, outings).  It is equally important to have fun together as well as create time for deeper level discussions.  If you don’t currently have a group of couples your own age that you spend time with, this just may be the thing that breaths life back into your marriage.

• DOWN: The final connection is a couple that you can mentor.  Your own life story and relationship experiences are a reservoir that others can tap into.  Providing this for a younger couple will help them as they begin to navigate life’s journey together.  However, the benefits are not purely for the mentees.  As the mentor you will discover new things about yourself, articulate life lessons you didn’t even realize you knew, and gain esteem knowing that you are pouring your life and marriage into edifying another. Plus, it creates accountability for you and your spouse knowing that there is another couple looking up to your example and counting on you.

Similar to finding mentors, mentees can be friends of the family or a couple from church.  You can have coffee once every few months, and use the time to allow the young couple to vent and be heard as well as provide your own advice and knowledge.  Make sure to listen to the young couple so they know you care and understand their perspective, and then share your own marriage journey and the valuable lessons you have learned.

Building strong ties with other couples weaves an important network of role-models, friends, and mentees into your own marriage.  They provide a framework to learn, grow, understand, sympathize, teach, and experience life together.  As a couple you learn and grow from mentors, enjoy life and share hardships with friends, and inspire and uplift mentees.  By building relationships in each of these directions, you reinforce your most important bond – your marriage.

Schedule dinner with some old timers, have lunch with friends, take a young couple to coffee.  Up.  Over.  Down.

Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.