By Steve McIlwain
Hubs here.
Man Cave: the ultimate male bonding destination for chillin’ with buddies. It’s typically some type of movie/sports/video game haven (glorified dorm room) or workshop. Some are over-the-top extravagant; some literally have dorm room furniture. It is a place where men maintain full power to decorate (no floral patterns here) and enjoy being men. Some of us don’t have the luxury of a full-fledged room dedicated solely to Man Cave status, so the concept of a Man Cave doesn’t need to be a literal room. It’s simply time hanging out with the boys.
We love our wives; we really do. But sometimes we need a retreat. We need a wonderland where we can leave behind talk of linens, chores, and baby wipes (for all you dads out there); a domicile where dirty dishes and trash are ok; a place where we can openly revel in being dudes. There is some stuff women just don’t understand about men. We have peculiar behavior, we’re odd specimens, we do weird stuff, and a man cave is our expression of that.
I’m not talking about bad, nasty behavior. This is not a free pass for sailor mouths and watching smut. Nor am I talking about a 24/365 island exclusively for men. A man that spends reckless amounts of time in his man cave is not a husband, he’s a bachelor. Believe me, I have no delusions regarding our need for our wives and family: we NEED our wives, badly. At the same time, this is a sliver of who we are. We need focused guy time to bond and enjoy hobbies, and the Man Cave is the pinnacle of that idea.
Right along with the Man Cave idea of hanging out and watching sports, men also need focused guy time to talk about issues and perspectives. Sadly when it comes to this type of depth, some of us fellas find ourselves friendless. It’s not that we don’t have friends, I’m sure we could all list a handful of buddies. But do you have a friend or group of friends that you regularly discuss personal and/or marital issues with? If your answer is yes: great job. Keep it up because it’s insanely important. If your answer is no, you may want to consider getting beyond stat lines, movies, and car tips.
Having a friend or small group of guys to discuss the deeper things of life is crucial to a man on multiple levels. Let’s check out three:
- Sanity: You need to be able to constructively vent and discuss issues with men. Men share a unique perspective on life and marriage, and it’s amazing to see similarities in the issues we experience. Simply sharing stories with someone facing the exact same thing as well as knowing you’re not alone in your struggle are validating and important. This should not serve as a bashing session, but discussing common issues is key to maintaining your sanity.
- Accountability: You need like-minded men to keep you accountable to things that are important. We face a multitude of issues: becoming workaholics, substance abuse, physical and mental purity, anger management, and many, many more. Having a group of men whom you can openly discuss struggles and be supported by is freeing and impactful.
- Support: There are certain issues only men can truly understand. For those issues it’s imperative to have someone to talk with. This outlet provides a safe haven to discuss issues that you would otherwise keep bottled up. We don’t always like to admit that we need support, but sometimes we do. This venue offers that opportunity.
With that in mind, along with Man Cave time focused on hobbies and fun stuff, start “The Huddle” or “The Work Shop”. Quite simply: it’s dedicated time to discuss stuff that you’re going through. It can be for an hour-ish on a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly basis. Think of a guy or group of guys with whom you can dig a little deeper. It can be a brother, friend, brother-in-law, or cousin. Make sure they’re like-minded men that will support, (gulp) love, and edify your marriage and family. This is not time to bash your wife and kids. This is time to constructively vent, openly discuss, and positively pursue your mission of being a better husband, father, and man.
This will likely be awkward at first. Men aren’t exactly wired to discuss feelings. And it may be especially tough if you’ve spent decades honing your ability to function entirely without meaningful male bonding. That’s right; this isn’t just for young guys struggling with the issues of a young marriage. This is for men of all ages, even grandparents with 40+ years of marriage under their belt. It is tremendously valuable to be plugged into a group of men working through challenges together. Part of being a man is acting boldly, growing courageously, and leading bravely. Tap into the full power of the Man Cave by digging deeper and improving your ability to truly be a man.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Well said, Steve. I’ve never really been a big subscriber to the “man cave” thing, largely because of its connotation of being tied to obvious worldly extremes, which can be detrimental to family relationships (especially the dear wife, who quite often suffers from often inadvertent neglect by the husband). Having said that, I wholeheartedly agree that men do need like-minded male reinforcement of Godly values and virtues along with just downright good “somewhere between Jesus and John Wayne” (quoting a lyric I heard The Gaither Vocal Band sing recently) discussions. Trust is a big factor for guys, for we don’t just “open up” or “bare our hearts” to just any guy, and the only woman with whom a married man should do so should be his wife. But, a man should have at least another guy, in the categories you outline, Steve, or his pastor to help unravel his mind and keep him accountable, for ultimately, he is going to stand accountable before a holy God at the end of it all,…awesome. So, your advice is wise in keeping a man on the right track. Thanks for taking time to share in “Hubs Corner” and God bless you and your dear wife.
Rick, I think many of us (especially wives) are big fans of the “man cave” concept, but it’s because many men abuse and distort it to appeal to the worldly perception of “masculinity.” Instead of being a source of encouragement and refreshment for a man to be the best he can be, it diminishes and undermines it. That’s what I too enjoyed about this article though – a different perspective and approach to the “man cave.” It’s so important for men to have God-given, upright guy friends around them to maintain accountability, friendship, and encouragement. Like you said, having at least one other guy to cultivate integrity while providing and outlet for them, is a blessing and necessity. Thanks for sharing and being so kind! God bless you and your dear wife too!
Yes, I am a woman and this doesn’t necessarily pertain to me directly but it does lend some insight into something that I think we women have come to resent and with some men, have preconceived notions of what a man cave is. It leaves a bad taste in our mouths. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and giving some insight into a man’s needs. I find it helpful and interesting!
Anonymous, as a women, I too felt that I gained some insight into the needs of men. Man Caves, when established by God-loving, God-fearing men of integrity, area means of encouragement, accountability, and refreshment for a man and his friends. I know my initial instinct and perception of man caves is not a positive one, so this was very interesting to think about for me too. Thanks for sharing!