By Coleen York
Turning this way and that in the dressing-room mirror, I let out a long sigh. This outfit did not look as good on me as it had in the catalogue. Or on the headless mannequin.
I bit my lip. A tell-tale sign I was becoming distressed. Next my fingernails would fly up into my mouth, and I would undo all the progress I had made trying to grow them out. Again.
Discouraged, I slipped back into my jeans, telling myself I didn’t really need to spend the money anyway. Surely, somewhere in my overstuffed closet I had something that would still make me feel pretty. Like I actually deserved to be going on this date.
Four hours and approximately 17 outfits later it was clear to me that nothing in my closet was going to make me anything more than sub-par. As a result, I spent the rest of the evening trying to leech any shred of self-confidence and security from my poor unsuspecting boyfriend.
I didn’t feel pretty? No problem! I would just get HIM to tell me I was pretty. As many times as possible. Even if it meant I had to stoop so low as to fish for compliments. Well might as well put me on Deadliest Catch, because I was casting out my line over, and over, and over…
“I signed up for a gym. I really wanna lose 5 pounds.”
“Do you like my dress?”
“I was having such a bad hair day today … sorry I look like such a mess.”
“I just don’t know if I’m good enough to write for that magazine…”
…And then I waited for the appropriate response to approve or negate my statements. As long as he was taking the bait and telling me I was beautiful, smart, talented … whatever, then I could believe it too. At least for the time being.
Unfortunately, this scenario is probably not one that is totally foreign to you either. For more years than I care to admit, I sucked my relationships dry looking for approval and validation. The problem is that eventually, no matter what kind of relationship you have, that person is not going to fulfill your every need when you think you need it. They may not take the bait every time you cast out a “line”.
And then what? You break up with them? You divorce them? You spiral into a state of self-induced depression complete with an ice-cream overdose and a chocolate coma?
I hate to say it, but the problem does not lie with them and their inability or ineptitude to feed your ego and allay your fears. The problem lies within you. It lies within me.
The problem’s name? Insecurity. Plain and simple.
Unfortunately insecurity is like a parasite. It will take your once-healthy relationship and turn it into a shell of its former self. Because it’s not fair for you to rely on your partner to fulfill you. We are all broken, incomplete people. No one other person will ever be able to fulfill you or take away your insecurities.
Were we designed for companionship and relationship? Absolutely. But this is for encouragement, teamwork, inspiration, and enjoyment, not for fulfillment and wholeness. That’s putting unrealistic and unbiblical expectations on someone who is NOT God.
Luckily, God IS God. And God heals. He completes. He fulfills. He kicks insecurity in the teeth with His everlasting promises and truth.
Insecurity is fear. Fear that we aren’t good enough for anyone or anything. Fear that we do not measure up in some way. It’s a fear that His perfect love can cast out and away (1 Jn 4:18).
Insecurity is a manifestation of our brokenness, of the God-sized hole in our lives that we try to fill with so many other things, from pretty clothes to relationships. The only thing that will ever fill that gaping hole is a steady relationship with Jesus Christ, through quieting all the doubt in our minds long enough to hear HIS voice tell us who we really are. Ask Him who you REALLY are. Ask Him what HE sees.
“The King is enthralled by your beauty.” -Psalm 45:11
“I have loved you with an everlasting love.” –Jeremiah 31:3
Who He says you are is greater than what any other person could ever say. Who He says you are will not change tomorrow or with a mood swing or a bad day. Who He says you are is a permanent promise.
He wants to heal your brokenness. He wants to fill in all the cracks. He wants to remove insecurity and doubt from your life permanently.
And once you begin to find your worth and security in Him, your relationship with others can grow out of His love … instead of being crippled by your search for self-validation.
Begin this journey of healing with Him. Trust Him to fulfill your every need, not anyone or anything else.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Hey Coleen, First off, I just want to say that you are beautiful! I love reading your blogs! However, I know how you feel and it’s definitely hard to let go of that mindset. But seriously you are such an inspiration to me and through your posts I’ve been able to grow in my faith. Thank you so much! 🙂
Coleen,
Thanks for sharing this. Too often we can look to our relationships with others–family, romantic, and platonic- to give us security and validation. We’ve got to move beyond this and realize that our relationships with other people are meant to make life richer, not to give it value. Keep changing the world, friend.
I havent read any of your blogs before, but i somehow found myself on this one – and from the first section, explaining the sigh infront of the mirror … gosh, this was so needed! =]
You are such an inspiration, and I love how real you are.
<3
#insecurity is a very difficult topic. The truth about our self-esteem is that it depends upon where we find our identity.
Be careful not to get distracted by the fiery darts of self-esteem.
If our identity is firmly found in our relationship with our creator, then it makes no difference whether we are living in a positive or negative environment.
Let others say what they will about us & let us agree with them quickly about our defects and unworthiness !
Our value is secure in our identity which is secure in the never changing, uninfluenced love of our creator.
The truth is that God’s love is completely uninfluenced by our value. His love is the point, not our value.
If it were possible to argue away every shred of evidence that supported every justification of our value, God could not love us any less or any differently.
Our relationship with Him is COMPLETELY because of His worth and not at all about our own.
Larry, thanks for sharing your thoughts! You are definitely right on. Our value, security, and identity have to come from Christ. There is no one or nothing on this earth that will provide that fulfillment or contentment that God’s meant to. You bring up such a great point too that what’s so incredible about grounding our self-worth in our identity in Christ is that it’s unconditional. His love of us comes without us doing a thing to deserve it. We are His masterpiece, and He loves us for who He created us to be. Great stuff … thanks for sharing!