By Ashley McIlwain

What is love? What does it mean to love someone and be loved? What does love look like? Most of us have either asked these questions ourselves or tackled answering them for someone else.

Love is an intrinsic part of human life. We desire to be loved. We desire to love. We search for love. At times it feels like our whole lives are centered around love. Yet, many of us don’t even really know what love is.

Is it a feeling? Is it simply limited to those gushy moments of euphoria we feel when a new love is born? Is it merely a strong liking? Is it lust? Attraction?

Or is it something more? The day-in-and-day-out, come what may kind of love. A lifelong commitment no matter what. The daily effort to put someone else’s needs and desires above your own. Valuing someone as greater than yourself. A determination to stick by a person’s side through life through all its chaotic turns and twists.

While we may struggle to figure out what love is, we actually have the answer right in front of our faces. As we trim our trees, wrap gifts, and bake cookies, we are surrounded by the very essence of what it means to love – Christmas. The message of Christmas teaches us everything we need to know about love.

Involved Love

Remember when you were dating how you pursued that special someone with every fiber of your being? You made time for him or her. You conjured up sweet and romantic gestures to win her heart. You showed interest in things you weren’t interested in for him. You listened, laughed, and had meaningful conversations. You pursued that special someone with all of your heart. You went the extra mile. You did what it took to get involved and display your feelings and commitment to your sweetheart.

Often times we get married, and for whatever reason, we stop doing all of that. We disengage. We stop caring, thinking, and making time for one another, and soon, we aren’t even involved in the life of the one we vowed our life to. Involvement can be scary because it means giving up some of your personal freedoms. It means we are vulnerable. We tend to limit our involvement because it’s costly, but that’s what it takes to love someone.

Jesus teaches us what it means to be truly involved. He gave up His throne and position in heaven to come to earth in the humblest and meager of ways – as a baby in a manger. He came to serve and be with us because He is Immanuel – God with us (Matthew 1:23). He didn’t count the cost even though He ultimately gave His very life for us. He did it so that He could walk with us through this life because that’s what it means to love someone fully – to get involved. Getting involved shows love, God’s love.

Sacrificial Love

God loved us so much that He sent His only son to earth knowing and intending for Him to die a cruel death. All so that we could be saved from our sins (1 John 4:10). So that we could be given the gift of eternal life (John 3:16). So that we would have hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). So that we could see what it means to truly be loved, even when we were and are unlovable.

What is love? Love is sacrificing, even your very life, for someone. It’s putting your own selfishness aside to be selfless. It means giving up some of your personal preferences and freedoms for the betterment of the one you love. It’s choosing to love someone even when they aren’t lovable. That’s the kind of love Christ displayed to us. That’s the kind of love we desire. And that’s the kind of sacrificial love we need to present to the precious spouse we’ve sworn our life to.

Understanding Love

All of us are desperate to feel understood. We share everything from how our day went to tragedies we’ve endured with people in hopes that the person listening will care. We look into the eyes of loved ones hoping to catch a glimpse of empathy and understanding of who we are and what we are experiencing. Feeling understood helps us cope with life’s roller coaster ride. In a marriage it’s what establishes and builds intimacy in the relationship.

An understanding love is best emulated by our Creator. He “gets it” better than anyone can in your life. He came to this earth in the most modest of ways and endured everything from a community that shunned Him and His family due to their disbelief that He was conceived of the Holy Spirit to an ultimate rejection that led to Him being brutally beaten and crucified. He was betrayed by His inner circle. He experienced temptation, loss, rejection, and shame. The government was on His back (Isaiah 9:6). Jesus understands our hurts and pains more than we can imagine. His compassion is overwhelming, His love consuming, and His peace beyond understanding.

This example of care, love, and understanding is what we need to take into our relationships, especially our marriages. While we aren’t Jesus, we have the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit in our pursuit to love the way He does. Seek understanding, be patient, and offer empathy to your spouse. It will build the relationship, bond, friendship, and intimacy in your marriage.

Courageous Love

Marriages these days desperately need courageous love. Jesus demonstrated such courage when He was willing to give up his position and prestige in exchange for a life of serving others. He elevated those around Him. He built others up, extended a helping, healing hand to the broken, lost, and forgotten ones. His life was one marked of bold courage to love in a way that no one had ever loved before – unreservedly, with a servant’s heart, and to the point of laying down His life for the very people who killed Him.

Couldn’t we all use more courageous love in our marriages? A love that boldly steps up saying, “I will do whatever it takes to show you how much I love you. Even to the point of laying down my life to serve and protect you.” What if husbands courageously took their position as leader of their homes, doing whatever necessary to serve the needs of his wife and children? What if he fought for his wife’s heart each and every day, making her feel like the most loved and adored woman in the world? What if wives boldly elevated their husbands in their hearts and homes, serving and tending to his needs with respect? What if she made it her mission to make her husband feel like the world’s most incredible man?

We all love fairytales, but even fairytales require courageous love. A going above and beyond to boldly proclaim and live out the love we profess for one another.

Transforming Love

The message of Christmas is a life-changing one! Jesus came to us to break the chains of darkness in our lives. To offer up hope and a future. To extend grace and forgiveness for our sins. This unconditional, unearned, freely-given love is an unparalleled, perfected love that literally transforms those who reach out and receive it.

Marriage is an opportunity to emulate the kind of love that Christ displayed to each of us. We were broken, unworthy, unlovable, and yet, He loved us more than we could ever possibly comprehend. While we can never truly love our spouse to this extent, that is the model we’ve been given. To love when our spouse is unlovable, undeserving, and flawed. To esteem him/her more highly than ourselves. To treasure and adore them in a way they’ve never experienced before. We are their earthly example of a heavenly love.

Christmas is a season that is filled with the true meaning of love. It gives us the answers we’ve all been searching for related to love. Christ’s love for us is involved, sacrificial, understanding, courageous, and transforming. That’s the kind of love we should strive to demonstrate to our spouse.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God … This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ~1 John 4:7, 9-11

Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.