By Ashley McIlwain

It’s that time of year again where the stores are filled with candy, costumes, and goblins. While Halloween is certainly far from my favorite holiday, it got me to thinking. There is a famous tagline that comes with Halloween that we all know – trick or treat? Mostly children stroll around from neighborhood to neighborhood in their choice costume going from door to door asking this traditional question in hopes of getting a bag full of candy by the end of the night. If all goes well, there will be no tricks played on the homeowners who opt not to contribute to this sugar-high.

Where am I going with this? Surely we all don’t need a recap of what it means to go trick-or-treating, right? Well, maybe we do because many of us do a form of trick-or-treating every day in our marriage.

Many times we show up at the doorstep of our spouse’s heart demanding a treat or else they will get tricked. We want something from them or else. We place demands instead of requests. There are expectations put in place, and we make ourselves and our spouse miserable if they aren’t met.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with making requests of your spouse. Marriage is meant to be mutually fulfilling, and it’s a balance between give and take. Sometimes we are on the receiving end of things and sometimes we are on the giving end. The problem evolves when requests become demands, ultimatums and punishment ensue, and/or the balance becomes majorly lop-sided.

Request Versus Demands

One of the biggest issues that can arise in a marriage is the inability to decipher between making a request versus a demand. In his New York Times bestselling book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman says it this way, “Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.” When we request something of our spouse, we are giving them an opportunity to show their love. On the other hand, when we demand something, we take away that opportunity and usually replace it with bitterness and resentment.

Think about it in the reverse. What if your spouse came up to you and said, “You need to help me do this!”? What would your natural response be? Defensiveness, hurt, and maybe some anger might arise. Now what if he or she came up to you and said, “You know what would really help me out? If you could do this for me. It would mean so much to me. Would you, please?” My guess is that if you love your spouse, you will be thrilled to help out knowing how much it would mean to them. So, if that’s how you would like to be approached, then practice the golden rule and approach your spouse in that same way.

Requests are an opportunity to love and be loved. They help meet your needs while allowing you to meet your spouse’s needs. If you’re willing to head in that direction, it’s a two-way street that ushers in love and gratitude in a relationship.

Ultimatums and Punishment

If you want to absolutely kill the love and respect in your relationship, then give ultimatums and punishments in exchange for unmet desires. While there are times that relationships can be frustrating, especially when you really want your spouse to do something he/she won’t, that’s not a warrant to treat the other person poorly. You are responsible for you.

Think back to when you were a kid. Remember how kids would say things like, “If you don’t share that toy right now, I’m not going to be your friend anymore.” How immature, right? Unfortunately, some people never grow up and do that very same thing to their spouse. Maybe the wife says out loud or to herself, “If you don’t help me around the house, then I’m not going to have sex with you.” The husband may say, “If you don’t let me watch sports all day, then I’m not going to talk to you.” It’s selfish, hurtful, and immature.

It’s time to grow up. Marriage is about reciprocity, respect, and love. Sometimes our spouse isn’t going to do what we request though. It stinks and may not even be fair, but it doesn’t give us the right to then punish them. Two wrongs don’t make a right. All we can do is make requests, sometimes repeatedly, but always respectfully, and then do our best to maturely and lovingly work within that situation. If you are given the opportunity to show your spouse you love them by meeting their request, then I would encourage you to seize it.

The Balance

Ideally, both you and your spouse will lovingly and respectfully make requests and meet those requests for one another. The reality is that it’s not always going to work that way though. There are seasons where you may feel like you are doing all of the work. There will be times where your spouse feels like he/she is doing all of the work. That’s the nature of marriage, but the important thing is to try and maintain a balance as often as possible.

All too often people get caught up in themselves. What is my spouse doing for me? What am I getting from this relationship? It’s all about what we can be received. But how many times do we ask ourselves what we are doing for our spouse? What are we giving our spouse? It’s all too easy to allow ourselves to be so concerned with our happiness, needs, desires, and fulfillment that along the way we forget all about if we are doing what we are asking of our spouse. Marriage isn’t self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5). It’s about a servant’s heart – seeking to meet the needs of the other with love and a joyful heart.

Granted, it’s challenging when we feel like we are carrying the weight of the relationship on our shoulders, but oftentimes, if we are willing to look a bit closer, we will realize we are giving ourselves a little too much credit. I know I do. I think I’m doing all of this work and putting forth so much effort, but when I stop and ask myself questions like:

  • What have I done for my husband recently to show him that I love him?
  • How can I be a better wife?
  • When was the last time I asked my husband how I can help him?

I realize that I have a long way to go. There’s always room to improve. Frequently when we are feeling neglected and/or frustrated with our spouse, it’s the perfect time for self-examination.

My goal in marriage is to be a treat to my husband. I want him to feel like he is the most loved, blessed, and adored man in the world. I want to put away my childish selfishness and seek out the well-being of my husband that I vowed to do for the rest of my life. After all, if we are in this for life, then I want it to be a pretty amazing life, and I know I have a huge part in it being just that. Happiness, love, respect, laughter … that all begins with me doing my part.

Remember that you chose not only your spouse but to get married, so don’t trick yourself into thinking your marriage and your spouse are anything but a treat. Make requests not demands. Refuse to give ultimatums or punishments as a means of manipulating or coercing your spouse into submission. Find a healthy balance in the give and take of your relationship. Put away the tricks, and pull out the treats for your spouse.

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