By Ashley McIlwain

My sister just got married, and I had the honor of acting as her matron of honor. A duty I don’t take lightly. Part of my responsibilities as her “right-hand man” was the bachelorette party. Some refer to it as the final fling before the ring. Often times that means a night filled with indiscretions reveling in the final moments before the lockdown of marriage.

While some view the bachelor/bachelorette party as the grand finale of singlehood, my perspective is a different one. In fact, my outlook on this final hoorah is not one of seizing fleeting moments of freedom but rather celebrating the transition into the married life. Rather than throwing caution to the wind for a night that undermines the very principles that marriage is founded on, my approach is one that builds upon the principles necessary for the upcoming marriage.

The Bigger Picture

I get it. A night of reckless abandon may sound fun, exotic, and exhilarating. It appeals to the side of humans that says, “Get it out of your system now before it’s too late.” I’m not ignorant to the various allures of a final fling before the ring, but the problem lies in the lack of prudence involved in proceeding within that mindset.

First of all, as a marriage and family therapist, there are several cautionary flags to consider here. The first one being, does someone approaching a bachelor/bachelorette party with the sense that this is their last opportunity to enjoy freedom understand the value and sanctity in marriage? Another is wondering if such a person is ready for such a commitment? There is a lot to consider surrounding this situation.

Marriage gets a bad rap that is unfair and unjustly given. I believe this is the direct result of the mismanagement and a lack of understanding about what marriage is, the benefits of it, the realities involved, the preparedness needed, the unconditional commitment imperative, and the work entailed, which leads to heartbreak, failure, and disillusionment. Marriage isn’t the issue, it’s the mishandling by those involved that leaves us pointing the finger at all the wrong places.

That being said, marriage isn’t a dreaded prison cell with maximum security banning all fun and freedom. On the contrary marriage is the most freeing entity we enter into. Not only to we have the freedom to love and be loved but also to know and be known. We are given the gift of intimacy and vulnerability that is impossible to achieve outside of marriage. You have gained a partner for life with whom you can explore, laugh, and enjoy life to its fullest with. There is sexual, spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental freedom that is found only in marriage. That was God’s design for it – freedom, fulfillment, and betterment of the parties involved as well as those around them.

That brings me back to the concerns involved with feeling a bachelor/bachelorette party is the last opportunity to enjoy freedom. It’s a backward thought process that is directly in opposition with the foundation of marriage. Strippers, exotic dancers, sexual indiscretions, flirting, and all-around inappropriate behaviors aren’t freeing. They are just the opposite; they are creating bondage and baggage that you are now going to take into your new marriage. These actions aren’t the cherry on top of single life; they are a big helping of issues and concerns dumped onto a fragile new marriage. That’s a recipe for disaster.

More on Marriage

Marriage is built upon trust, honesty, love, and respect among other things. Tell me what part of a crazy night out with the guys or girls involves any of these elements? The “final fling” mentality not only lacks the inclusion of these marital musts, but they deteriorate and destroy them. If you can’t control yourself a week or two before the wedding, then what does that say about your self-control and commitment that you are carrying into and throughout the life of your marriage?

The last thing that should be on your mind heading into your wedding day is getting the last singlehood out of your system. You should be thinking about how much you love your spouse, how excited you are for you marriage, how you can be the best spouse possible, and the importance of the vows you are about to make. Those vows include cherishing, protecting, and sticking by your significant other for the rest of your life through thick and thin. It means becoming a selfless person and putting the needs of your chosen spouse above even those of yourself. Yet, a senseless night of partying doesn’t cherish, respect, love, or show your commitment and selflessness to your future spouse at all. I can assure you that if you give yourself a hall pass for your bachelor/bachelorette party, you will give yourself allowances during the marriage that will damage, hurt, and ultimately, destroy your marriage.

There is no doubt that marriage can be difficult and go through times where it is challenging and tests those vows exchanged. That is why if integrity and accountability to your spouse and God aren’t integral to whom you are as a person, you are in trouble. That integrity and accountability doesn’t magically begin when you say, “I do.” It starts long before in the decisions you make, the life you lead, the people you surround yourself with, and the self-control you put into practice. You can’t be careless one day and suddenly responsible and full of integrity the next. If you want your future marriage to be successful, you need to work on being the man or woman, husband or wife that you should be and that your future spouse deserves … today.

The Big Question

If you are heading into marriage viewing it as the lockdown on life, then that begs the question, why on Earth are you getting married?! That tells me that you don’t have a true understanding and appreciation for your fiancé, yourself, or your upcoming marriage. There is a lot I would suggest you work on and think through before you say, “I do.”

Granted, there are some of you who may be thinking I’m being way too harsh about this. You may be arguing that it’s a harmless night of fun, and I just need to loosen up a bit. I would counter that you are wrong. Marriages are falling apart at alarming rates, so obviously the current recipe needs to change.

You can never be too careful or protective of your marriage. I have yet to ever hear of strippers, exotic dancers, random hook-ups, or other inappropriate behaviors helping a marriage. Have you? So why gamble on a marriage that hasn’t even started yet? Why kick things off with poor decisions and potentially damaging behaviors? It’s not worth the risk. And for what? A few short-lived selfish pleasures and laughs?

No way! Your marriage requires unwavering commitment to it if you want a shot at making it through the rest of your lives. A careless attitude with loose roles and standards has never been a winning equation for a marriage. Never once have a found a marriage or relationship that benefitted from these things. What I have found though is a lot of hurt, pain, and destruction surrounding them. It isn’t worth the cost. It’s not a risk worth taking. Protect yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Avoid common pitfalls and mistakes that way too many people have already made. Learn from their mistakes, and start your marriage off on the right foot.

The Choice

Society, your friends, movies, and television shows may tell you that it is perfectly acceptable, even expected, to have a night of carelessness to mark your passage into the married life. They couldn’t be further from the truth though. You have a choice.

You can choose the reckless night that undermines the man or woman you need to be and the sanctity of marriage, or you can choose to celebrate the blessing of finding that one person you want to be with in a holy, lifelong marriage. Know that nothing in this life is free from consequences. No decision that we make is “no strings attached.” I’m not trying to be all “doom and gloom,” but I am urging you to consider the importance of your decisions and the precious treasure that marriage is.

My husband and I did a joint bachelor/bachelorette party weekend. We got our wedding party together for some games, laughter, and memories. We did do one night apart, but we did things that we could take pictures of and tell one another about without shame or guilt. Honestly, we had a blast at our parties and love that we can reminisce together about another spectacular memory made. We were glad that we had surrounded ourselves with friends who were full of integrity and helped to promote our marriage, and we were thankful for a wise choice in one another where we didn’t have to worry about what the other one was doing. There was underlying trust in the discretion and judgment of the other that was and is still invaluable.

Marriage is what you make of it. That includes the choice of spouse you make, how you choose to conduct yourself as a single person, the decisions you make before marriage, how much you prepare for marriage, and the amount of work and effort you put into your marriage. Marriage begins long before that walk down the aisle, so why not make that final fling into a major celebration of the fact that you have found the one you love, adore, and can’t wait to remain committed and faithful to for the rest of your lives?

Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.