There is a very renowned author by the name of John M. Gottman, Ph.D. who has written many books and done extensive research on couples. From his studies, one of his best known concepts that has been utilized to help many couples is what he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He says that not all negative interactions are equal in a marriage. In fact, he found that there are four negative interactions that can best predict the outcome of marriages.

The Four Horsemen is a concept that we can learn a lot from. Knowing what they are gives you the ability and insight to examine yourself and your marriage in search of these four things. If you identify they exist, then you can try to work on identifying them in the moment and then practice an alternative interaction instead. Knowing danger signs, identifying them in your own relationship, and then doing something about them is the process to healing. Awareness is half the battle. Let’s take a look at The Four Horsemen, which are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, as well as their antidotes.

The Horseman: Criticism

The first horseman that Gottman identifies is criticism. Criticism is a negative characterization of someone. Gottman defines it as “any statement that implies that there is something globally wrong with one’s partner, something that is probably a lasting aspect of the partner’s character” (Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, p.41). These critical statements can be something like, “You never take out the trash,” or “You always act like an idiot when we are out with friends.” We want to stay away from criticism for several reasons.

Criticism elicits several negative outcomes. The first negative outcome of criticism is that we are hurting our spouse with our words. No one enjoys being criticized; it is hurtful and leaves lasting damage. If you think of a child who has been criticized growing up, you most likely know they are often insecure & defensive, have a poor self-image, and lack self-esteem and confidence. Criticism doesn’t build anyone up, so why use it? The other negative outcome of criticism is that it naturally bring outs defensiveness from someone. If you start criticizing your spouse, they are automatically going to start getting defensive (we will talk more about this in a minute) because they are feeling attacked. The biggest problem with this is that it becomes a perpetual cycle of interaction that leads nowhere. It’s just an attack and defend pattern of interacting that will ultimately lead to no solution, productivity, or growth in the relationship, but it will most definitely leave more damage, pain, and separation. Criticism is just a negative approach that is not a viable approach to communicating and dealing with your spouse, or anyone for that matter.

Communication

I want to step back for a moment from the specific topic of criticism to a more general topic of communication for a moment. Why do we communicate? Communication is meant to convey information and be a relationship builder. What do I mean by a builder? It should be used to build relationships and build up people in general. Unfortunately though, communication these days, especially in marriages, is used to convey disgust, disappointment, and negativity. Now I’m not suggesting that you can never convey hurt or negative things, but the manner in which you do it should be to try to ultimately build a stronger relationship. The purpose of communication is to ultimately build people and relationships up, so keep that in mind when you open your mouth next to say something. Also, I just want to give you a Bible verse on this to ponder over:

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29
The Antidote

Obviously it is important to watch how we speak to others and to avoid criticism. But what is the alternative? How do we communicate our feelings in instances we might naturally be inclined to criticize? Well, the antidote to criticism is a complaint. Now of course we shouldn’t go around complaining about everything and everyone; that’s not a very fun way to live, and it’s pretty miserable to be around. It’s also not a means to passive aggressively give off a laundry list of all the things you can’t stand about your spouse either. Women especially have to be careful of this because research shows they are more prone to use criticism than men. However, expressing a complaint versus being critical is the way to communicate what is going on in a healthy manner.

A complaint gives us a kinder way to communicate a negative thought or feeling because we are stating something without attacking or making a strong, negative statement about our spouse. Examples:

  • Complaint: “I’m upset right now because I worked really hard to have the house clean, and you didn’t notice it was done. That hurt my feelings.”
  • Criticism: “You came home and didn’t even notice I had this whole house clean. How do you not care about all that I do for you? You must be completely self-centered!”

There is an obvious difference between the two. Keep in mind though; the object is not to find more clever ways to shape your complaint into a criticism. Try to keep yourself in check and listen for if you are being critical. If you are, stop and try to shape it into a complaint where you aren’t attacking the person but rather expressing some personal hurt in a kinder way that gives your spouse the opportunity to explain himself/herself without feeling attacked. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to communicate with you about what you are feeling.

Come back tomorrow to read about the next horseman — defensiveness!

* If you would like to check out more on Gottman, you can view his website at: http://www.gottman.com/
*Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

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