The third of the Four Horsemen is contempt. Contempt is defined by Gottman in The Marriage Clinic as “any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner” (p.45). More simply stated – it’s an “I’m better than you” attitude. Contempt is viewed as the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen.

Contempt can take on many forms such as mockery and sarcasm. The bottom line with contempt is making yourself feel better at the expense of the other person. It is having no regard or respect for your spouse as you belittle him or her. A specific example of contempt is as follows:

The situation – a couple is at a party, and the husband is upset that the wife is making her way around the room like the social butterfly that she is without him by her side. When she comes back over to check on him, the conversations goes like this:

Wife: Hey, I just thought I would come over and see how things are going over here.
Husband: “(In a high pitched, exaggerated voice to mock his wife.) Oh, I am just coming over to see how things are going over here. As if I need you to check
in on me or something. I was having a terrific time with these guys until you had to come over. (Snickers as he looks at the guys around him.)

Contempt exhibited in public is among the most harmful and dangerous because it is not only belittling and humiliating your spouse, but it is doing so in front of an audience. Which, I am sure we can all admit that any sort of humiliation is exaggerated and worsened when in front of others, especially if they are our friends.

Facial expressions can exhibit that same attitude of contempt, so watch not only your words but your body language as well. Gottman reported in The Marriage Clinic that during their research they found that a certain number of contemptuous facial expressions by husbands was predictive of their wives’ infectious illnesses over the next four years. The reverse was not true, but it further demonstrates just how powerfully corrosive contemptuousness really is to have a physical effect on a person.

Putting yourself above your spouse is a recipe for disaster. Not only do you show your spouse you do not have respect for him/her, but it will only breed continuous negativity and further contempt. Most likely your spouse will eventually just shut down to you at some point. Contempt chokes the life out of a person and a marriage, so it should be avoided at all costs.

The Antidote

The alternative to contempt is simply to not do it, and contrarily, show love and respect to your spouse. You are not above your spouse, so you might as well stop acting like it. Remember that men and women are very different and operate differently, but that doesn’t put one gender above the other. We are complementary and should focus on that when the differences are overwhelming.

Humiliating or belittling your spouse no matter when or where is never beneficial. You are simply destroying your marriage. Respect your spouse, respect their feelings, and respect your marriage. Honor, love, and cherish your spouse at all times, and your marriage will reap the benefits.

 

Come back Thursday to read about the final horseman – stonewalling! Missed Part 1 on Criticism or Part 2 on Defensiveness? That’s alright! Click here for The Four Horsemen: Criticism, or click here for The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness.

* If you would like to check out more on Gottman, you can view his website at: http://www.gottman.com/
*Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

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