After what feels like a long and dreary season, winter is always somehow coerced into giving up its shades of steely gray to peeks of warming sunshine, welcome blue skies, intermittent dots and splashes of color, and the fragrances of floral displays called “spring.” The senses come alive, awakening a body’s dormant energies, and we suddenly feel that we’ve once again come alive.

I somehow do not think it a coincidence that God made seasons, although not so pronounced in some climates, but nonetheless, He did it, and all for our pleasure. With spring’s arrival, do we dare think it coincidence that the Son of God gave us new life and living hope during that same season? I think not. We innately welcome the things of spring for they somehow bring hope, light, joy, and a plethora of warming thoughts.

One of those thoughts is of the person who gave of herself that each of us might experience life. Through a miracle within her body, we were given birth into the springtime of life. That person is affectionately called mother. As my dad once told me, “Your mother was closest to death in giving you birth.” Do we really think of that when we are being less than kind or considerate to her? Probably not, but would we have opportunity to experience life’s seasons and the hope of spring had she not given of herself, in love?

Does the miracle of birth not remind us of a mother named Mary, who bore and nurtured a son called Jesus, who died and rose again to give us rebirth from our dying, sinful nature, and an eternity in heaven, if we but accept Him into our hearts? Can you see a mother’s bittersweet tears as she realized this in her heart?

Mother’s Day somehow falls on a Sunday in spring each year, and not by chance. It is deliberately so, for all the “things of spring” just naturally place her there, as a jewel in a crown. She not only gave birth, but nurtured and sacrificed for us as children, so we might experience all that being alive has to offer. But beyond that, a Godly mother taught us who is the Creator of all, and as we learn of Him and His purpose for us in life on this earth, we discover that this is not our home; we are but passing through to an eternal spring in heaven.

So, this Mother’s Day, don’t merely think of it as another opportunity for a Sunday dinner or a day to give Mom a card or flowers, but as the day to celebrate the occasion of her motherhood and all the glorious spring times of life to which she gave birth.

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her,” (Proverbs 31: 28)…, certain truth from the Creator of life. Ponder the wonders of it.

Have a blessed Mother’s Day!

By Ricinda Perry

I have really enjoyed our time together over this series, and my family has definitely benefitted since it made me more aware of my own bonding opportunities.  In concluding this series, I want to share with you the center hub of family bonding … the dinner table.

What do these things have in common?  The Last Supper, restaurants, and Thanksgiving.  A table.  This is probably one of the most underutilized pieces of furniture in our home.  Growing up my mom prepared a nightly dinner around the table.  We talked, laughed, created memories, and I look back fondly over this part of home life!  I believe our demanding society and busy schedules have taken this away from families.  Too often we grab a Subway sandwich and sit down on the couch, barely thinking of what we are eating, while staring at the television set.

Recently my husband and I took on a couple major projects.  Fast food, driver seat meals became all too routine.  Last night (while nearing the end of our projects) my husband and I sat down at the outside table with a warm gentle breeze blowing (sorry for those who got hit with another late spring snow storm) and ate together.  Since we weren’t driving and eating or eating in front of a television set, we actually looked at each other and talked.  Sounds kind of silly as I write this out, but this meal was one of the most enjoyable moments we shared in over a month.  The food was more delicious than expected, and I found myself feeling happy and content.  Before I knew it, I was fellowshipping with my spouse while enjoying the food God provided before me.

Here is what I discovered. We need to fellowship while we dine.  This cannot be done on the run, in the car, or in front of a television.  We need to make a conscious effort to clear off the table clutter, set the table and enjoy a meal with our family.  Too busy?  Pick up the meal at the restaurant of your choice and actually set plates on the table, unwrap the food, and put it on the plates.

Thanksgiving is memorable because we generally break bread around a table and fellowship with our families.  Why not enjoy these special occasions weekly or even nightly?  I think you will be surprised by how good it feels to listen to dinner chatter.  It’s almost music to my ears.  We can share our hearts from our stressful or our fun day telling each other what you did during the day.  Isn’t this more important than the nightly news being spoon fed to you over your sandwich and drink?

Benefits:

1. Ladies, you get a chance to talk and be heard.
2. We learn what our children are doing and have a chance to speak into their lives without interruption.
3. We eat slower = less food = weight loss.  Plus you are more cognizant of what you are eating, meaning you can actually think about and enjoy the flavors of the foods you are consuming.
4. We use something we paid for … a table and chairs.
5. You have created quality time at no cost.

Don’t miss out of this special opportunity.  Being a family means you spend time together, you fellowship and you create memories.  You don’t just go to work, come home and veg out cramming a bagged meal in front of a television … only to wake up the next morning and do the same thing.  Dining around a table is so valuable with so much untapped potential.  Give it a try … even once.  I think you will be surprised by how enjoyable the experience will be for you and your family.

I had gone to the post office and was met by a line of people out the door. My shoulders sank at the reality that I couldn’t just come back and was sure to be waiting for quite a while in this long line. Sure enough, over 20 minutes later, I finally found myself at the counter. As I explained what I needed, the lady told me she couldn’t help me and that I needed to wait in yet another line to be helped. So, as I waited yet again to get assistance, I felt my frustration mounting. Stepping up to speak to the new clerk, I was met with some major attitude as the lady kept cutting me off and treating me as though I was a complete idiot. My blood was starting to boil, and I knew I had a decision to make.

To blow up and give this lady a piece of my mind, or to choose grace and patience when everything in me wanted to go with the first option. After taking a few deep, long breaths, I ultimately went with the latter, going against every instinct in me in that moment.

So, as I continued to meet an unpleasant attitude from the lady paid to help me, I smiled and graciously continued on explaining my question and situation until she was finally able to convey the necessary information. At the conclusion of our encounter, I looked her in the eyes and thanked her for helping me out and expressed my appreciation.

I was surprised at how good it felt to have not lost my patience and cool with this lady. In fact, I felt so relieved and grateful. It reminded me of just how important it is to remember that we are responsible for our actions, words, and choices no matter what the other person’s are. Inexcusable behavior by one person is not a warrant for our own inexcusable behavior. We are responsible for our actions regardless of any precipitating factors.

That’s a tough one though, isn’t it?

It reminded me of marriage. Don’t we often justify our own misbehaviors and missteps with those of our spouse? We point the finger and say, “Well, he started it!” or “She was the one who …” Like children on the playground, we pass the blame like a hot potato. Somehow we give ourselves an out for doing the very thing we deem reprehensible by our spouse.

I have come to discover two truths about such situations. First: there is nothing special or honorable about loving someone only when they are lovable. Second: love is truly evident in times where it is least deserved. Understanding those two truths can revolutionize a marriage.

Luke 6:32-36 reiterates this point:

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

If this is the call for us with our enemies, then how much more gracious and patient should we be to our spouse? We often treat our spouse with less grace, patience, love, and kindness than with some of our worst enemies. Why is that? Why do we get caught up in the blame game when, in the end, it doesn’t matter how or who started it but rather how you handled it?

It’s easy to justify our poor, immature, unloving, and inappropriate behavior, but no matter how good our argument, it’s still inexcusable, and we’re still accountable. Children use those, “but he/she started it” antics. I think it’s time we all grow up and start taking some responsibility!

Your spouse is precious and worthy of your love even when they are completely undeserving. That is what makes love love … giving it away, choosing it even when its recipient is undeserving. There’s nothing exceptional about loving people when they deserve it. What sets love apart is loving people when they don’t deserve it.

And isn’t that what we want? To be loved even when we’re undeserving of it? I don’t know about you, but if my husband only loved me or stuck around when I deserved it, I would be in a mess of trouble. I need his undeserved grace and love. That’s what marriage is about. That’s the heartbeat of marital love. That’s what sets it apart and makes it so precious, treasured, and special. It’s constant, consistent, and available even when we are not.

When times get tough, and you are looking at your spouse thinking they are the enemy, remember that that is the time where love blossoms. That choice to set aside justice, retribution, or defensiveness for the greater good is honorable and powerful. When it isn’t easy to love, that’s your moment to shine!

What amazes me is how that “love when it isn’t easy” concept diffuses, heals, and mends otherwise destructive situations. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It isn’t easy, and it’s a constant journey of self-control, but choosing to love in even the most volatile of situations brings peace and healing.

The next time your spouse gets your blood boiling, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that these tough moments are your greatest opportunity to demonstrate true love. True love isn’t easy, and that is what makes it so extraordinary!

I don’t know what it is about the mind of a woman, but it seems like we struggle with worry way more than our male counterparts. Our female psyche is able to simultaneously think of 75 different outcomes for every decision and situation. Usually 90% of them are ways things could go wrong. Or ways they already have gone wrong. Or ways something else could go wrong based on the first thing that went wrong and then probably Armageddon would just happen. And then if there were still dinosaurs they would all die. Again.

We have the ability to think of a million different things at once. Our brains are like an intricately placed game of dominoes. One thought leads to another, leads to another, leads to another …

So on the one hand, our domino-like brain is a blessing because it allows us to set up all these little components of life, keep them nice and straight. It allows us to multitask. To remember our final test, our church youth group, our families, the birthday of every person you have ever met, what time soccer practice is, our entire grocery list in alphabetical order, and the list goes on … It also means that we have the talent to foresee how all of those things could go terribly wrong. And heaven forbid something actually does go wrong and one domino gets knocked over. But if one domino gets knocked over … what happens to the rest of our carefully placed dominoes, our plans, our dreams, our LIFE?

Chaos.

So why do we worry, especially if it just leads our minds into chaos? I ask myself this all the time. Why do I worry? And obviously the answer is always, “Well, I worry that if I don’t worry that no one else will worry about the things that need to be worried about. Who will come up with the backup plan? I mean, if I don’t worry then who will take over running around like a chicken with their head cut off, borrowing trouble for everyone and everything, and naturally assuming the worst?”

Please excuse me while I wildly overreact. Great. Obviously everyone needs one of those crazies in their life. If you’re life is currently missing one, just call me, I am the resident exaggerator.

So, do we worry because we don’t know what to do? What decision to make? If we already made the wrong one? Do we worry because we don’t know what the future may bring? Or because what if the timing is wrong? Or what if we’re not ready for the next step? Or what if I miss my chance? Or what if the world ends before we all get to get married?! Oh the horror … THE HORROR!

It sounds really pointless and impractical when it’s laid out there like that. Or at least it should. Worrying always makes a lot of sense while I’m in the middle of it, but then when I step back, it starts to look a little different. I begin to realize I don’t actually run the planet and am not responsible for the welfare of all. Sure, some of those were really silly examples, and I know that in life we all have much bigger, more painful and scary things that often occupy our worries. And yes, those ones are usually a lot harder to put down, but Jesus actually knows how to handle those kind of worries as well:

“Then, turning to his disciples Jesus said, ‘That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life- whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs.’” (Luke 12:22-30)

Jesus had a lot to say about worry. And usually I have a lot to tell Him about my worry …

However, what I have come to realize, through the Bible and the Holy Spirit, is that your entire life could seem like it was going down the toilet, and God would still be there. God would still be in control. He hasn’t left you alone, even in what seems like the darkest, most out of control times. Because the key word is SEEMS. God’s perspective is so much bigger than ours, His knowledge so much richer.

When I begin to worry I don’t usually set out with the intention of making God small or inept, but that’s always what I end up doing. Every time I start hyper-analyzing my life away, worrying not only about today but also yesterday, tomorrow, about you, about me, about everyone … it’s basically like I’m telling God that I don’t trust Him to take care of me (or anyone else). Or that I don’t trust in His promise to ALWAYS be there.

He isn’t leaving you. He didn’t design us to look at our entire life and try to plan the whole thing out in our day-planners. God doesn’t need your backup plans.

What’s more, He designed us to follow HIM. He gave you one minute at a time for a reason.  This second is what is yours. Don’t borrow trouble from a future you don’t have yet when all you have is right now. There are going to be hiccups in your plan. Your plan actually might completely fall apart, but God doesn’t.

Stop worrying about the plan, and take every minute as God lays it before you. Know that it IS God who will bring you to where you need to be. Not your plan. Not your worry. Sometimes our plans need to fall apart for His to truly unfold. When that happens (and eventually it will) don’t take that as an invitation to second-guess every decision you’ve ever made or second-guess the God who made you. Take it as an invitation to TRUST the God who formed and knows your heart. The God who hung the stars and carved out the Grand Canyon. He doesn’t leave you to fend for yourself when it seems like the wolves are creeping in (or when all your dominoes have fallen over).

You don’t HAVE to worry. What’s more, you don’t have to micromanage God! God is giving you permission; He is even begging you to lay down the burden or worry and find joy and wonder in today. In what you have right now. Have faith that even if you don’t know how things will work out, that He does.

You don’t have to worry about it. He’s bringing you to where you need to be. Let Him write your story.

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need.” (Luke 12:31)

It had been a long day, and I was trying to figure out what I was going to make for dinner. I didn’t want to have to run to the store, but I also didn’t really have any specific ingredients to make a planned out dinner. So, I opened my fridge and freezer to try and get creative enough to pull something delicious and simple off with what I already had.

I ended up concocting what I call, Ashley’s Drunken Apple Pork Chops. It’s easy, affordable, and pretty healthy to boot. Think apple orchard meets home cooking with a splash of sophistication. Since its creation, my husband, Steve, has asked for it multiple times, so it must be decent. Personally, I’m a fan and hope you will enjoy it too!

While you’re gathered and eating, consider asking each other about what your favorite family dinner moment is/was and why.

Ashley’s Drunken Apple Pork Chops

Ingredients:

• 4 Boneless Pork Chops
• 4 Apples (I like 2 Fuji and 2 Golden Delicious) peeled and sliced
• 2 TBS. Butter or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter
• 3 TBS. of brown sugar
• White wine (about ½ cup)
• Dash of salt and pepper

Directions:

• Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
• Place all 4 pork chops in a 2 quart Pyrex dish with lid, and sprinkle with the salt and pepper.
• Place peeled and sliced apples on top of the pork chops to cover. Divide the butter into 4 dollops and place on top of the apples.
• Sprinkle brown sugar on top of everything.
• Add the white wine – just enough to cover the bottom of the dish.
• Cover and bake for 45 – 60 minutes.

]]> http://foundationrestoration.org/2013/04/drunken-apple-pork-chops/feed/ 2 http://foundationrestoration.org/2013/04/simply-love/ http://foundationrestoration.org/2013/04/simply-love/#comments Wed, 24 Apr 2013 07:30:45 +0000 Steve McIlwain http://foundationrestoration.org/?p=2513 By Steve McIlwain

Hubs here.

Love is a lot of things to a lot of people.  For some it’s a lifetime.  For some it’s right now.  For some it’s until it doesn’t work anymore.  Our culture tells us that love is a fleeting sensation with an open exit door available whenever it fades.  The idea of love blankets every single society on the planet yet a singular definition of the term seems elusive.

What does love mean in marriage?  Blindly supporting your spouse?  Always speaking the truth no matter how hurtful?  Constantly giving up what you want so they can have what they want?  Countless marriages fail because they can’t find the magic balance and eventually their relationship deteriorates.

Oftentimes the failure of love is only seen on a grand scale: the husband that leaves his wife during her bout with cancer, the wife that leaves her husband who can’t keep a job, or the parents that divorce because their ideas of raising children are just too different.  Also, small annoyances can morph into grading patterns that result in a combustible explosion.  The hurt and pain of these grand scale moments become simply overwhelming.  At that point either closing yourself down to your own wants/needs or walking away from your marriage are seemingly your only options.

But while these complicated issues take center stage, love is also quite simple: patient, kind, never gives up, doesn’t keep score, isn’t always “me first,” looks for the best, keeps going.  Sometimes the most overwhelming demonstration of love is in the smallest nuance or unseen moment.

Maybe your marriage doesn’t need a complete overhaul.  Maybe you don’t need a paradigm shift on your perspective.  Rather, perhaps you just need a slight nudge or a small tweak.  Maybe you just need a reminder that love can actually be fairly simple: kindness, patience, selflessness, truthful, trusting, hopeful, and persevering.  Your mind and relationship may have convinced you that these items are convoluted and complex, but sometimes you do yourself an injustice by overcomplicating these simple principles.

“But you don’t get it; he’s so rude.”  “She’s just too hard to deal with.”  “He only cares about himself.”  “She sees the worst in everything I do.”  Believe me, I understand: marriage is difficult, even excruciating.  But at the end of the day, you are not called to judge your spouse; you are called to love them.  You are their helpmate, their support, and their inspiration.  Your role is to love and support them regardless of the situation; don’t overcomplicate that.

As always, this is not an excuse to allow bad habits, poor decisions, or destructive behavior.  Sometimes difficult conversations absolutely need to happen for realization and growth.  Maybe you have to trudge through miles of mud together to fix your issues.  That can be a painful, excruciating, and long road.  But don’t be misled; through that journey your job is still to provide love and support … even to an unlovable or unrespectable spouse.

I encourage you to grasp the simplicity of love.  Life has a way of making love and relationships convoluted.  And while you may face complex and entangled issues, don’t lose sight of how simple the heart of love truly is: kind, patient, caring, honoring, slow to anger, trusting, and hopeful.  Inscribe those guiding ideals on the tablet of your heart.  Immerse your spouse in a sea of simple love.  Sometimes the hardest things are really the easiest things.  And sometimes all love needs is a little simplicity.

Have you ever closed one eye and looked at something? Then looking at the same object, closed the other eye? Repeating this back and forth is quite fascinating. The people around you might think you are losing it, but it’s amazing how each eye sees the same object so differently. When both are open, you get a much more in-depth and complete view. It’s phenomenal how both eyes working together create and capture the whole picture … it reminds me of marriage.

Individually we see things one way. Individually we are great, valuable, and important. Individually we matter and can accomplish great things. When we get married though, we can see a more complete and comprehensive view of things. Together we are powerful and can accomplish even more. Together, we are a force to be reckoned with.

It’s not that being single is bad, wrong, or insufficient. It’s just that marriage does bring about this whole new layer to what we see, perceive, and can achieve. Just as each eye is completely capable of observing an object correctly, as individuals we are fully functioning and capable. Yet, it’s when we open that other eye that we are able to view more dimensions to what we’re looking at. In marriage, when we bring two different perspectives together, we see a whole new set of layers, facets, and depth.

What’s interesting is the concept of our blind spot. Each eye has a very small gap in its visual field. Why don’t we notice it? Because each of our eyes also has a visual field that overlaps with the other to compensate for that gap. Our brain is “very efficient at using the information from the other eye and other spatial information to “fill in” missing information. Your brain continually makes its best guess as to what is missing.”

I think the same is true for us as individuals. We have “blind spots.” These blind spots are areas of our lives where we may be struggling, lacking awareness, or just not very skilled, inclined, or talented in. They are a sort of gap in our abilities.

Filling in the Gaps

One of the many wonderful things about marriage is that as a couple we often compensate for the other person’s blind spots. We fill in each other’s gaps. Our abilities, talents, interests, and strengths overlap one another making us more effective and stronger.

Living in Southern California with my family all back east, I have discovered just how much my husband and I have really adapted this is concept of overlapping and filling in one another’s gaps. Often times he can’t make the trip back home with me, so I go alone, and it amazes me how dependent I have become on him. We have delegated responsibilities and duties to one another to complete the picture, so when I’m not with him, I feel like the walking wounded in a lot of ways.

For example, Steve usually does the driving when we’re together. He enjoys being the one behind the wheel, and since he’s usually better with knowing where he’s going anyway, I’m content in my passenger seat. When I go home though, I find myself waiting by the passenger side door sometimes when I’m the one supposed to drive. It always makes me chuckle and smile to see just how much our lives have become intertwined over the years.

On a more important note though, Steve has shown me other more important blind spots in my life. I didn’t realize just how independent I was before I met him. I was used to being the one others relied on, came to for advice or help, and looked to fix, solve, or resolve things. Being the “go to” person for others has always been my role, and over the years, I’ve learned to silence my own needs, emotions, and ability to receive from others. When we started dating, Steve immediately picked up on this, and slowly but surely he has taught me that it’s ok to ask for help, to have wants and desires, and to be on the receiving end of blessings. He’s also given me a safe place to be vulnerable and to open up in ways I just never did before. As a result, I have learned so much about myself and have grown tremendously.

Steve has also had a lot of similar experiences where I’ve been able to point out some of his blind spots. Now having the ability to see areas of growth he couldn’t before, together we have worked on and through them. It’s beautiful to see us grow as individuals because of our growth together.

Beyond Us

Being married also opens our eyes to the blind spots of those around us. Together we can identify the needs that exist in our families, friends, and community and then work as a team to do something about it. Together we can help each other identify our strengths, talents, and passions to make a difference in this world and pursue God’s plans and purpose for our lives. Whereas we might not have seen those areas of need or our ability to impact, our spouse can help point those out and encourage us to reach out in ways we never would have otherwise.

Perspective on Problems

Furthermore, when an issue arises whether it’s an individual, marital, or any other kind of problem, we’re able to come at it from two different directions. We combine our thoughts and perspectives to get a more thorough take on what’s happening and what can be done about it. It helps to tackle something when we see all the angles.

Granted our differing perspectives can sometimes cause a bit of dissonance at first, but when we’re willing to actually put our heads together, we are much better off. Together we can see all the layers and angles to the problem as well as their potential solutions. Two people can usually brainstorm a lot more solutions than just one person can, and then collectively you can put your heads together to execute the right plan of attack for the problem.

Having a spouse is like opening both eyes up. You can see things so much more clearly. Suddenly there are dimensions and layers visible to ourselves and the world that were previously hidden. Our spouse helps compensate for our blind spots, and together, we are stronger, wiser, and all around better for it. Together we can see the complete, bigger picture like two eyes wide open.

The Bible is the only book I know that says about itself:

Hebrews 4:12 – For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Contained within the pages of the Scriptures, are living words. Words that can change our lives and our marriages. Consider these verses for just a moment through the lens of our marriages.

Proverbs 10:19 – When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Proverbs 12:18 – There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 14:1 – The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

Proverbs 16:24 – Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 18:21 – Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit

Proverbs 25:11 – A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

In the world of preachers, a sermon on our tongues and wisely chosen words are always a sure way to bring conviction and fill the altar with repenting sinners. Who among us does not struggle with what we say? Some struggle with rash words and others tend to be more gracious, but almost everyone sins with their words. If you do not believe me, just ask James:

James 3:7-9 – For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.

What affect do our words have in our marriages? Life or death? Gracious or harsh? Choice or nasty tasting? Are we building up our spouse or ripping them to shreds with our words? Are we enjoying the fruit of our words? Excellent questions to consider.

If our marriage is not what we wished for, not what we expected, or not what we hoped for, perhaps a good place to start is listening. What would we find, better stated, hear, if someone followed us around for a week and recorded everything we said to our spouse? I have observed that many times we will say something to our spouse that we would never say to someone else. A tone is used, volume is increased, harshness is added that we would not use with most people. Why do we do that?

Some might say, “I have no control; they make me so mad.” Really? Ever have the phone ring during one of those times and answer it? Do we change, or do we continue with the same tone with whoever is on the phone? Or, if someone offered you one million dollars to stop your anger right now, would you? Could you? What if Jesus appeared physically, right in the middle of the dispute, would we change how we speak? I wonder.

Another option to get a glimpse into how we really speak is to listen to our children. What do we hear coming out of our children’s mouth when they are playing with their toys? Most children will play mommy and daddy with dolls or stuffed animals. It might be instructive to listen to how the little mommies and daddies talk to one another. Remember where the children heard that from in the first place. Ouch.

It is interesting to me that the very one we love so much is often the recipient of the worst of our verbal behavior. Why do we drop our guard instead of raising it even higher? Why do we care more about what a relative stranger thinks of us than our life partner by covenant? Why would be embarrassed if someone walked into the middle of an argument with our spouse, but we are not embarrassed by how we are speaking while in it? I wonder.

I am sure there are multiple reasons why we treat our spouses differently than others. Perhaps we are more comfortable, and therefore, drop the social restraints required with others. Maybe we know that our spouse has to stay with us and will not reject us so we can just be our self with them. (Of course, that thought raises some issues about pretense, but we will have to address that issue some other time.) Maybe we just do not realize how harmful our words really are, or can be.

If we are not content or happy with the condition of our marriage, then I would suggest trying to change how we speak about and to our spouse. If life and death are really in our words, if we can build up or tear down, if our words can be like a sword thrust or bring healing, if our tongue really is a beast to tame, then we need to evaluate what we are saying and why.

Perhaps it would be wise to go on a word fast and abstain from speaking. Maybe it would be good to only speak positive words for a day and see what happens. Make a choice to spend an entire day in avoiding saying anything harsh, negative, or critical regarding your spouse. How about not saying anything if it does not build up our spouse? I wonder what would happen. I have a suspicion that the atmosphere would change some in our homes, and we may just like it so much we suspend the trial period and make it a way of life. What could it hurt to try?

Forty-four years ago, we began our marriage as two young kids madly in love.  We did not begin it as mature Christians who knew and understood God’s word and His ways.  But after five years of marriage and the birth of our first child, I was struggling to decide what I believed.  I knew there was a creator, but I wasn’t sure of his name.  We met a couple who were Christians, and they taught us about Jesus Christ, the Savior of the World.  They prayed with us and for us.  They encouraged us to go to church and study the Bible.  My husband Bruce and I became Christians.

After our second child was born, we began to go to church regularly.  We both prayed privately, but we didn’t study the Bible or pray together.   Bruce was working eight hours a day while going to night school full time to finish college.  On weekends, he built our first house with his own hands.  I was a busy, full time mom involved in community and church activities.  Ten more years went by with little spiritual growth.  When our younger child went to kindergarten, I joined a women’s Bible Study.  I began to learn and understand the Bible.  I began to understand the power of prayer in a new way.  I learned of the great blessings that come to a husband and wife who pray together.  I was on fire.  I would run home and bombard Bruce with everything I had learned.  I insisted that we must begin to pray together.  Finally, he agreed.

On several occasions, we tried to pray together.  It didn’t go well.  I was the self-appointed leader who did most of the praying while “teaching” my husband the “art of praying together.”  Finally, Bruce just told me he didn’t like praying with me.  “Why not?”  First of all, he said he didn’t like praying out loud.  He said my prayers were too lofty, too long, and that he didn’t always agree with my prayer requests.  He also said my prayers were saccharine and touchy feely.  I thought that he was wrong on all points and that he just did not want to pray.  I figured I was the spiritual one who would have to carry the load.  He was glad when I finally dropped the subject of praying together.

We both had so much to learn, but the Lord did not give up on us.  The truth was, we loved the Lord, and we loved each other and we wanted to learn to pray together.  Eventually, we talked about it again.  Bruce said that several things would have to happen in order for him to feel comfortable praying with me.  “What are they?”  He said he wanted to know in advance what we were going to pray so we could both be in agreement.  He said he didn’t want to pray out loud, but would pray silently.  I agreed to both conditions, and I had a condition as well.  I requested that he would not feel compelled but would come to our new prayer time as an eager and willing full participant.  He agreed.

So we sat down at our kitchen table.  We each had a white index card.  We agreed upon four areas of prayer: prayer for ourselves as a couple, prayer for our son, prayer for our daughter, and prayer for our finances.  As we talked through the four topics, we eventually came up with a one sentence prayer we both felt comfortable with for every category.  Bruce and I wrote the four sentences on our cards and signed and dated them.  We agreed we would each hold our index card and simultaneously pray all four prayers silently.  We planned in advance that we would both say “Amen” out loud when we finished.  The one who finished first would say “Amen,” then sit patiently until the other one finished and said “Amen.”  So right there and right then, at our kitchen table, my husband and I silently prayed together with joy in the name of Jesus for the first time ever.

Over the next weeks, we kept our index cards with us and prayed together daily.  We’d both hold our index card and pray silently until we had both said “Amen.” Sometimes we’d pray in the morning before we even got out of bed, sometimes we’d pray at the kitchen table like the first time.  Sometimes we’d sit on our bed and pray right before going to sleep.  I made sure we never forgot, but I remember one particular night when I crawled into bed feeling totally exhausted.  All I wanted was sleep, but then I heard Bruce whisper, “We didn’t pray.”  Decades later, I still remember the joy of that moment.  Thank you Lord for what you are doing in us.  Thank you that you are making us true prayer partners.  When I am weak, Bruce is strong.  I am not the one who is changing us … it is you, Lord.  That night we didn’t hold our prayer cards.  We held each other as we silently prayed together, each said “Amen,” and then drifted off to sleep.

As time went by, we updated our prayers, and we added thanksgiving for answered prayers.  One day, I don’t remember how, we decided to say our prayers out loud.  It seemed like a natural progression.  But I do remember Bruce saying, “Let’s just stick to what’s on our card.  Let’s not get off on tangents.”  Of course I agreed.  Bruce prayed first.  He prayed the first requests on our card.  I prayed the last requests, and said the “Amen.”  I clearly remember that day.  It was a turning point in our spiritual lives and in our marriage.

Our prayers changed a lot during the next months and years.  As Bruce began our prayer each day, he told the Lord how thankful we were for all our blessings.  He began to praise the Lord, speaking of all His wonderful attributes of faithfulness and loving kindness and mercy.  We began to ask the Lord to cleanse us from our sins and use us for His purposes.  As Bruce brought our prayer requests before the Lord, it was with a confidence that the Lord heard us and would do what was best in each circumstance.  We stopped praying for no problems, and started praying for the strength to handle each problem.  We began to pray for our church and our pastors, for our nation, and for others who were in need or hurting, or who did not know the Lord.  We began to read scripture before we prayed, and we each shared how the passage ministered to us.  Our index cards became a thing of the past.  There was no more fear of “getting off on tangents.”  We just prayed as the Holy Spirit led.

As we prayed, we experienced an intimacy unlike any other.  I began to know my husband’s heart in a new and deeper way.  We saw one another’s fragility and vulnerability.  We saw one another’s strength and enabling as we both grew closer to our God.

Maintaining our habit of daily prayer together has not always been easy.  We have an enemy who does not want couples to pray to the Lord.  But we have a Lord who is greater than any enemy and has given us victory all these many years.  Our prayers still change as our life changes.  We have five grandchildren now, and we pray every day for each of them.  We are growing older, and we have life challenges and health challenges which come with the passing years.  We now understand the brevity of life and our own mortality.  We ask the Lord to use us mightily for His purposes in the time we have left.  We have shared such deep intimacy for forty-four years … physically as husband and wife, and spiritually as the closest of prayer partners.  We understand that with that closeness comes a cost … the great grief which will befall the survivor.  We pray always for “the one who is left.”  Bruce has promised me that he will “let me die first,” so I never have to be alone without him.  But we both know that he is not the one to decide that.  And we both know that although the Lord has given us the gift of one another, it is God himself who is to be our first love.  We trust our God to be strength and spouse to the one who is left.

If you and your spouse do not yet pray together, talk to the Lord about it.  Ask Him to move in your circumstances so that you can begin a prayer partner journey together.  With us He used index cards.  Who knows what our creative God will use with you.  In the meantime, pray for yourself and your spouse.  Ask the Lord to give you both the desire and the opportunity to begin a life of prayer together.  Trust Him to teach you both.

© Stephanie Tracey 2012

Something that frequently comes up in correspondences from people relate back to their inner circle. Your inner circle is that group of people that you most frequently surround yourself with, seek counsel from, confide in, and that influences you most significantly. We all have an inner circle whether it’s two people or twelve.

Inner circles are important to have. They are our support group. They are the people that we rejoice in sharing our good news with as well as the first we reach out to when we’re in need of a crying shoulder. That support system can make or break the highs and lows of life, which is why they are so important and influential.

That’s also why it’s so imperative that we choose our inner circle wisely.

It’s easy to think that those we allow closest to us don’t really influence or impact us. Especially when we are getting closer and closer to “negative influences,” meaning friends who are on a destructive or damaging path, we can be tempted to think that we are strong enough to pull them up out of that lifestyle, but the reality is that it’s much easier to pull someone down.

This doesn’t mean I am saying to avoid anyone struggling or hurting, but what I am saying is that it’s important to use discretion and discernment to wisely select those we allow closest to our lives. We need that inner circle to be composed of people that are interested in dual accountability and responsibility. The goal is to help one another be better people.

When we surround ourselves with people content to act recklessly, we endanger ourselves. There are those who aren’t interested in behaving, improving, growing, and being responsible adults, spouses, and parents. Those people are dangerous and can drag you down with them into their self-destructive patterns.

As a kid my mom used to emphasize the importance of choosing friends wisely. One time she had me stand on a chair with my sister standing beside the chair with us holding hands. She had me try to pull my sister up on the chair while my sister tried to pull me off the chair. We switched and did the same thing again. In both cases, it was impossible to pull the other one up onto the chair. Every time, the one standing on the chair was pulled down. She proceeded to tell us that it is always easier for someone to pull us down than for us to lift them up in friendships, so choose wisely in who we allow to “pull” at us.

This may seem a bit extreme and even pessimistic, but it rings true. Again, this is not to say you avoid helping or influencing others. Nor am I saying to live an insulated life of avoiding anyone and everyone who is different, struggling, or even irresponsible. What I am saying is, when it comes to those that you are allowing on your inner circle to influence, advise, and support you, you want them to be people who are lifting you up, not pulling you down. People who are encouraging and strengthening you while also keeping you accountable to your faith, obligations, and responsibilities like your marriage, purpose, and family.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’” One of the biggest reasons for cautiously choosing those you allow to continually speak into your life is that it can make or break your life. When someone lives recklessly and you are along for the ride, you’re opening yourself up to the ensuing wreck and collateral damage of their actions.

This is what so many people contact me about. They are witnessing a spouse, child, friend, or loved one who has allowed their inner circle to become polluted with people that are steering them down a path of irresponsible, careless, and damaging behaviors. Their marriage falls apart, they walk away from their family, and/or they are flirting with dangerous lifestyle choices. They neglect their responsibilities, and commitments for a selfish, self-absorbed pursuit of “happiness.”

It’s a lie, and their loved ones can only try to reason with them. Sadly it seems futile as the person turns their back on those who truly love them for those who claim to. Unfortunately, in many of these situations, it takes that person hitting rock bottom to discover just how far off course they ventured. What seemed thrilling and full of promise quickly became full speed ahead into a brick wall, and the crash devastates everyone involved.

While this may sound extreme, this is one of the most common things I encounter in my correspondences with people. They reach out to me with a desperate plea for someone they love who has abandoned their life for a smoke screen sold to them by the wrong friends they allowed into their inner circle. It breaks my heart to see families, marriages, and children devastated by these poor decisions.

Here are some questions to ask yourself about the people in your inner circle:

• Do they encourage me?
• Do they speak kindly and highly of my spouse and/or kids?
• Do they encourage my marriage?
• Do they push me toward my marriage and/or family or push me away from them?
• Do they keep me accountable to my commitments and responsibilities (i.e., my spouse, kids, job, etc.)?
• Does my spouse/kids/family ever warn me about them and their influence?
• When I am around them, do I feel unhappy or discontent with my life?
• Do they push me to do things that go against my belief system?
• Are people telling me that I’ve changed (for the worse) since I’ve started hanging out with them?
• Are they helping me accomplish my goals, dreams, and passions?

Wisdom and discretion are needed when electing that core group of people we let into our lives. They are the ones that can slowly lead us astray or hold our selfishness at bay. They can make or break your marriage, family, and life. Use caution and care in selecting those who will guide, direct, and advise you.