By Ashley McIlwain
For no apparent reason, my husband, Steve, and I found ourselves constantly butting heads. He would try to explain something, and it made zero sense to me. I’d say something, and it would rub him the wrong way. No matter what it was, we couldn’t seem to see eye to eye, and we were both feeling frustrated and annoyed with each other, ourselves, and the situation.
Perplexed after several days of this, we sat in silence.
Have you ever had this happen in your own marriage? Out of nowhere you seemingly cannot effectively communicate anything with each other. You continually feel irritated or hurt by things the other says. No matter what, it feels like you can’t say or do the right thing nor can your spouse. You’re just “off,” and can’t really explain or pinpoint why.
We all experience moments like this in our marriage. Sometimes they last hours, others days, and sometimes even weeks. It’s uncomfortable and often unexplainable. There’s a certain level of uncertainty, and you feel somewhat helpless. What I’ve come to discover though is that these temporary pockets of awkwardness and being on different pages are just that … temporary.
These moments tend to swallow up the relationship’s oxygen and make you feel like your suffocating. In other words, you think you’re headed for trouble in paradise and for no good reason. It’s important not to panic though. Sometimes there are bigger issues going on, but most of us know when that’s the case. In these temporary instances where you’re just butting heads over silly or inconsequential things, remember that it’s just a minor blip on the radar. You will move past this.
Feeling like everything is just off between you and your spouse is uncomfortable. It’s frustrating. It’s downright perplexing because oftentimes it’s unsolicited and out of left field. The good news is that they often leave as quickly as they come. Like a bump in the road, you’ve overcome it before it you know it.
That being said, personally, I’ve found 4 things that can help speed up the process of getting back on the same page with your spouse during these annoying moments at odds.
- Don’t Panic. My initial reaction, and probably yours too, is to somewhat panic. To wonder what is going on and why. When we panic, we often push things when they just need to be given some space. In our frantic rush to make it all better, we can make it worse. Take a deep breath. Remember that it’s temporary. Give one another a little space and try not to force conversation or even resolution. Take some time to think about if there was a catalyst or precipitating factor to your current state. Perhaps there was, but perhaps there wasn’t. Say a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to help the two of you get back on the same page. Then just be patient as you weather this little storm.
- Keep it Simple. During these “off” moments between you and your husband, keep things simple. Don’t try to have some deeper conversation when clearly you are already struggling with simple conversation. Maybe for that morning just stick to light-hearted topics. What I’ve found helps is something as simple as a good hug or reaching over and grabbing your spouse’s hand. Something as simple as an everyday gesture of love can get you back on your feet.
- Call it Like it is. You’re on different pages, and that’s ok. Steve and I will often literally just say that out loud, “Man, we are on different pages right now!” We’ll ask each other if there’s any particular reason the other can see as to why we would be struggling. If the answer is no, we laugh and say, “Well, I guess we’ll get back on the same page at some point.” Recognizing that you’re on different pages and it’s not the end of the world can diffuse the tension that otherwise mounts during times like these.
- Laugh. One of the things that most quickly gets Steve and I back on the same page and enjoying one another’s company is to do something fun or silly to make ourselves laugh. That laughter lightens the mood and somehow puts everything back in alignment. They say, “Laughter is the best medicine,” and more times than not, that’s so true.
All couples have a day or two here and there where, for no apparent reason, you find yourselves butting heads and feeling like you are clueless as to what is happening. You just miss each other and struggle to communicate about even the simplest of things. It happens to all of us.
Just remember that you and your spouse are human, and bumps in the road happen. You love one another, and this is just a temporary hiccup that will soon pass.
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Love this article! This disconnect happens more often than I would like and personally, I go from 0 to panic in 1.2 seconds! Your advice is dead on. With the joys of the holiday season, also comes the stress & we can too often take that stuff too seriously. A little space, a little love, & a little fun often brings back the spark.
Stacey, this happens a lot to us too, and my reaction is to panic. I’ve learned to respond differently though and wanted to share. And you are so right, with the joys of the Christmas season, there’s a lot of extra stress, which requires extra grace 🙂