Building Intimacy

By Ashley McIlwain

One of the unique qualities of marriage is the intimacy that lies within this sacred, one-of-a-kind relationship. The deep level of intimacy shared by a husband and wife is unrivaled by any other relationship we will come in contact with. Choosing someone, out of a world full of possible people, to spend your life with is a huge honor and opportunity.

Intimacy.

This one word is such a powerful attribute of marriage. It captures the essence of the uniqueness and wonder of marriage. Intimacy is a deep knowing of one another, an intense bond that is developed through time, connectedness, and vulnerability. The reason marital intimacy is so powerful and distinctive is that there is an openness that is enabled due to the lifetime covenant established.

Intimacy isn’t just sexual, although that is one form. Sexual intimacy is often the manifestation of the marriage’s level of intimacy in general. Intimacy, is emotional, relational, and spiritual. It’s cultivated in many ways because it is multi-faceted.

Friends come and go. Even kids and family members will come and go. People are often very transitory in our lives; that is the nature of life. Stages of life, moving, stress, differing interests, and all sorts of other factors tend to shift and dictate who we are most connected with. The one person though that is designed to always remain is our spouse.

Our spouse, our marriage is meant to be the constant in our life. Sure there are seasons of marriage – good times and bad. There are times when we feel more connected and more disconnected depending on our circumstances, but the fact remains that those are temporary bumps and hiccups. In fact, it’s in overcoming those lulls and weathering those storms that our marriage grows stronger. While others may run or just drift from our lives for various reasons, our marriage is an anchor point.

When I think of intimacy and God’s design for marriage, the verse that comes to mind is Genesis 2:25. “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” I know this is physical nakedness, but I also believe that it reflects the inward nakedness they had with one another as well. God wanted them to be completely connected with Him and with one another.

Obviously the fall has made that kind of “known” a challenge. Our sinful nature corrupts, destroys, and hurts our ability to know and be fully known. Yet, I believe that through the power of the Holy Spirit and making wise decisions, we can overcome those challenges and build intimacy with God and with one another in a way that reflects the original intent.

So how can we build intimacy in our marriage? How can we be open and vulnerable with the one we’ve chosen and pledged our life to? There are many ways to cultivate that intimacy with your spouse, but I have a few ways to get you started.

Pray

There is something so intimate and special about praying together. Prayer is such a personal thing, and as we open our hearts to God, it’s an awesome experience to invite your spouse into. Praying over each other and with each other is something that’s powerful and indescribable. Matthew 18:20 tells us, “Where two or three come together in My name, there am I with them.”

Praying together cultivates spiritual intimacy with your spouse that really is an indescribable experience. It also places Christ at the center of your marriage, which is such a vital component to a successful marriage. Take that time to share with one another your prayer requests, and then go before the Lord together to lift them up to Him. If you are willing to do so, you will begin to develop a spiritual intimacy that will be so crucial to your marriage’s success.

Share

Oftentimes we mask ourselves. We present the person we want people to see hiding our ugliness, flaws, and fears. Surprisingly, this happens a lot in marriage. We hold tightly to our “secrets” keeping them from our spouse motivated by the fear that they wouldn’t love us if they knew the truth. How can you be fully known though, and how can God begin to work and heal those areas if you aren’t willing to shed light on them?

A great way to build intimacy is to share deeply personal things with your spouse. Perhaps it’s a fear you hold onto or a dream you’ve never revealed. Perhaps it’s an insecurity you’ve always struggled with or an experience you’ve never told anyone before. Share that with your spouse, and invite them into the healing or helping of it. Invite them to do the same with you. Be gracious with one another and supportive. There is nothing worse than opening yourself up and being rejected or hurt. As a spouse, you have such an incredible opportunity to walk through the muck with your husband or wife. Don’t misuse or abuse that opportunity because it could do more damage than good. When your spouse shares something, respect the fragility of the moment. Don’t try to solve the problem and certainly don’t dismiss it. Instead, listen intently. Place yourself in their shoes, and try to enter into the moment with them. Empathize and just love on them in that moment before dispelling your opinion or advice.

Hopefully most of us aren’t holding onto some deep, dark secret, but if you are, I would suggest seeking professional help to begin the process of overcoming whatever it is as well as revealing that to your spouse so they too can support, grapple, and overcome it with you. All too often we hold onto these dark secrets hoping our spouse won’t ever find out, but in time they tend to reveal themselves causing so much more damage. Don’t wait for an information leak and then do damage control. If there is something your spouse needs to know, find a professional to go to with your spouse so that you can reveal it and work through it together.

Engage

Most likely you and your spouse don’t share all of the same interests. This isn’t a bad thing unless you let it be. Engage in your spouse’s differing interests and see how the intimacy in your relationship blossoms and grows.

You may be saying, “But I’m not interested in sports!” or, “I just don’t care about crafts.” That’s ok because you’re interested in your spouse. Just because you aren’t interested in what your spouse enjoys doesn’t mean you can’t engage in that area out of interest in your spouse. Focus on spending time with him or her, and allow them to share something that’s important or enjoyable to him/her. When you realize it’s primarily about being with your spouse, it makes the activity less important. In those moments of engagement, your intimacy with your spouse will grow tremendously because I guarantee it will mean the world to them.

There are many ways to cultivate intimacy in your marriage. These are just a few ways to get you started.

The important thing to remember is that your marriage is a special and unique relationship. It’s meant to be a safe place for you and your spouse to connect, share, and be “naked” together. It’s meant to be the one relationship where you can know and be known. It’s meant to be a safe haven where you are able to be vulnerable and work through the fears, hopes, and pain of this life. Don’t miss out on this incredibly powerful and important aspect of your marriage and connection with your spouse.

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.