By Ashley McIlwain

But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. –Mark 10:6-9

Marriage is the union of two people. We all get that concept regardless of what religion or belief system we ascribe to. The part that many struggle with is the realization that that union of two people results in a single unit. Two lives have melded into one now, and from that realization a new outlook on our life, actions, and purpose is birthed.

Once we are joined with our spouse in holy matrimony, everything changes. We no longer look out for our own interests alone but that of our spouse’s. It’s no longer about my future but our future. What I want comes second to what we need. It’s not that there is a total loss of self, but it’s that you and your spouse are now combined into one unit that cannot be pulled apart.

This is pictured so perfectly with the candle ceremony many have at their wedding. Two single candles exist with their own flames burning bright, but then they come together to unite a single candle becoming a single flame. The two individual flames are extinguished because they have created this new one. Within that single flame, can you distinguish which half is the husband and which is the wife? No!

An even better image of this is a child. Two people create a single child who is completely the husband and completely the wife. There is no way to distinguish which parts of the child are whom because they have come together to make something completely new that cannot be separated out. Sure you may recognize your child has your husband’s nose or your wife’s eyes, but they are part of a single person now. There is no possible way to divide that child back into a husband and wife as individuals.

What if we truly looked at our marriage as a new, inseparable entity like a single flame or our child? Wouldn’t we behave differently? Wouldn’t we treat our spouse differently? Wouldn’t we view divorce differently?

If we saw our marriage as inseparable, divorce wouldn’t be an option. Just like we would never abandon our child, we would never abandon our marriage. How can you abandon yourself? Furthermore, we would not act recklessly, selfishly, or neglectfully against our spouse because we would realize that in doing so, we are harming ourselves. Contrarily, when we strengthen, encourage, love, and affirm our spouse, we are doing so for ourselves as well.

In the arithmetic of marriage, there’s only one choice … your marriage.

Let’s take this a step further. Do you ignore yourself? Do you yell at yourself? Do you call yourself names? Do you criticize yourself and scrutinize everything you do? Do you make demands of yourself and roll your eyes at yourself? Do you talk down to yourself and speak poorly to others about yourself? Do you assume the worst about yourself? Do you put unrealistic expectations on yourself? Do you cheat on yourself? Are you unfaithful to yourself?

Most likely the answer to many of those questions is no. Well, when you do any of those things to your spouse, you are doing them to yourself. Everything you think, say, and do, good or bad, to your spouse, directly affects you because you are one.

When you have that awareness, when you think of your marriage this way, does it create a paradigm shift in how you view your spouse and your relationship?

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  –Philippians 2:3-4

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church … – Ephesians 5:28-29

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. –Ephesians 5:33

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him along but also to his wife. –1 Corinthians 7:4

Marriage isn’t the loss of self so much as it is the addition of your spouse. Two become one. Like two pieces of gum chewed together, those two pieces are now part of a bigger, greater unit that can no longer be pulled apart.

The command in Mark 10:9 that no man should separate what God joins in marriage isn’t just for those around us. Yes, it includes others, but it’s also a command to the husband and to the wife. As a husband, as a wife, we should not do anything to separate our marriage. Our actions, choices, thoughts, and words matter. When we hurt our spouse, we hurt ourselves. When we love our spouse, we love ourselves. You and your spouse are no longer two but one. In the arithmetic of marriage, 1 + 1 = 1.

1+1=1

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.