By Ashley McIlwain

Most of the articles I write talk about loving and appreciating your spouse. Fighting for your marriage. Constantly working to be a better spouse and have a better marriage. But all too often I hear stories and receive questions about a one-sided effort.

“I’m trying, but my husband doesn’t want to work on our marriage anymore.”

“I’ve done everything I can, but my wife has given up on us.”

“My marriage is failing, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

When I receive these messages, my heart aches and breaks for these people. I can hear the despair and hopelessness they are conveying, and it’s heart-wrenching.

So, what is the answer to their situation? Where does their hope come from? Is there hope? What should they do? What can they do? Where do they go from here?

Well, there really is no easy answer to any of these questions, and there’s no magical formula for anyone and everyone to follow to get their marriage back on track or their spouse involved. I wish there was, but there isn’t. At the same time, I do believe there is hope for even the most hopeless of situations.

Where does this hope, this help, come from?

Before I answer that question, let me say this. Some of you will scoff at what is to follow. Some of you will doubt, roll your eyes, and perhaps leave me nasty comments attacking me. That’s ok. You’re entitled to your opinion, and you don’t have to take my advice. In fact, if that’s how you feel, I would implore you to search elsewhere for answers and suggestions.

That being said, this is a message for those of you willing to hear me out.

Pray

First and foremost, I would encourage you to pray, pray, and pray some more. Already been doing that? Don’t stop praying! I am convinced of the power of prayer; I’ve seen it work time and time again. James 5:13 says, “Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray.” Verse 16 goes on to say, “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” Philippians 4:6 & 7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 6:18 tells us, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.”

It is clear that God wants us to pray. At times it may seem it’s falling on deaf ears, but I promise you, it’s not. God hears your cries, and He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23). He hasn’t given up on your or your marriage; don’t give up on Him. Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Pray for yourself, for His will, for His power and strength, for His grace and forgiveness, His wisdom and patience, for your spouse and your family, for Him to work within each of you to bring healing, restoration, and unity. Continue to cover each of you with prayer and bind up the enemy from your life, your marriage, and your family. James 5:13-16 also tells us to have the elders of the church pray over us and to pray over one another. Go to your church and have the elders pray over you, pray together with your spouse if possible, if you have godly friends, have them pray with and over you as well. God can make a way where there seems to be none.

Confess

James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins and then to pray. I believe that is important to confess to God our sins and seek His forgiveness. Sometimes we get so focused on the missteps of others, like our spouse, that we miss our own faults and failures. (The Bible speaks of this in Matthew 7:3-5). Whether your part has been .001% of the problem or 99.999% of it, ask God to reveal the areas you need to work on and confess them to Him. This does 2 things:

  1. It gives us more grace for our spouse when we realize how much grace we have received. This in turn tenderizes our heart and humbles us, which totally changes our approach and attitude toward our spouse and situation.
  2. That tenderization process opens up the gates for us to more honestly and earnestly communicate with God and with our spouse.

I also believe that it’s important to confess to our spouse. This is a tough one and can’t be done until you really are aware of your own missteps and contributions to the condition of the marriage. Your apology may not be accepted or warmly received, but that can’t be the expectation. Take this courageous step of faith and trust God to tenderize and move in your spouse’s heart. You are called to confess; their response is in God’s hands.

Communicate

Communication in any relationship is like a stream feeding a lake. When we cut off that incoming flow of life, the lake will begin to dry up. No matter the condition of your relationship, the communication cannot stop because it is the lifeline of your marriage.

You may be saying, “Well, our communication erupts into a vicious mud-slinging war.” Refuse to sling mud. Do your best to keep the conversation civil, productive, and about resolving (not winning!). For those of you who are desperate, try approaching a conversation with your spouse in a completely different way. The truth is that many of us go into a conversation and argument with the mentality that we are going to convince our spouse of our point of view informing them of what they are doing wrong. Instead, approach the conversation from a place of earnest concern for your marriage.

What does that look like? “Honey, can we please talk? Obviously our marriage is in a dire situation. Everything has gone awry, and I believe we both have played a part in that. I don’t want to get caught up in the blame game, but we need to talk about this. I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to get our marriage back on track, but I need your help to do that. Can be please work on our marriage together?” Establish that you love them, that you want the marriage to work, and that you want and need their help, involvement, and input to do that. If they seem to be uninterested (or even express it) in fixing the marriage, be so bold as to say, “It feels like, and I might be wrong, you don’t want to work on our marriage. Am I correct? I would love to hear where you are at and what your feelings are on our marriage!” Approach the problem, not as if it’s your spouse, but as an external issue that you both need to identify and work toward together.

Seek Help

Especially when your marriage is at a point of despair, enlisting professional help is so crucial! Find a Christian therapist, counselor, pastor, psychologist, or professional who will work with you. It may take a few different tries before you find the right fit. If your spouse won’t go with you, go by yourself. I would encourage you to find someone though that pushes you. You shouldn’t feel “good” after a session as much as you should feel stretched and challenged. So, seek out someone who is willing to roll up their sleeves and get in the trenches with you.

I wish there was a magical wand I could wave and make your marriage better, but that’s not how it works. What I do know is that every marriage hits rough patches, and many go through periods of drought and doubt. I also know that there is hope. Whether you believe it or not, there is. I’ve seen countless marriages restored miraculously with the help of the Holy Spirit. Rarely is it overnight, but with patience, hard work, help, and prayer, it’s possible! “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14).

I want to leave you with a passage of Scripture that I hope encourages you in this fight for your marriage.

I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed He who watches over Israel will not slumber nor sleep. –Psalm 121:1-4

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