By Ashley McIlwain

Communication. It’s such a key component to every relationship, and yet, it’s also one of the most challenging. Many couples report problems in their relationship where communication has broken down. The issue is then perpetuated and escalated by the continued breakdown of their ability to converse about it. The inability to communicate with one another about big and small, simple to complicated, day-to-day to the future, fun to hard hitting can destroy any relationship, especially a marriage.

At times we take the ability to communicate for granted. We’ve been capable of speaking for most of our lives, so shouldn’t conversation flow easily? Yes and no. Talking is simple. Communicating is complex. Talking is making noise. Communicating is connecting with someone. While most people can speak, not everyone can communicate. Therein lies the challenge.

How do we bridge the gap between talking and communicating? How do we learn to effectively discuss issues? Or connect through conversation? Or convey our thoughts, feelings, and dreams? Here are some keys to help guide you to the answers to those questions.

Understanding it’s necessary.

Whether you like it or not, communication is necessary. I like to think of it like a stream feeding a lake. Without the incoming water of the stream or river into the lake, the lake’s water level would continue to drop until it completely dried up. Plus, the inflow of fresh water carries with it the necessary nutrients to keep the lake healthy and teeming with life. Communication is what carries new life and love into a relationship flushing out the disease and decay and bringing in the necessary “nutrients” to keep it healthy.

Some people think conversation is overrated. They claim less is more, they don’t know what to say, or actions speak louder than words. Whether you see the value in it or not, communication is not overrated and cannot be underestimated. Actions should back up what we’re saying but not eliminate the need to say it. Communicating with your spouse or loved one is vital to the relationship, and even though it may be challenging or go against your natural tendency, it’s imperative to keep that lifeline alive and well.

Eliminate distractions and create space for each other.

A huge part of communicating isn’t actually talking; it’s listening. Listening is an undervalued part of conversation. Typically we are so concerned with what we have to say that we aren’t listening to our spouse or the other person. When we don’t listen, we cut off the purpose and benefit of the conversation. Proverbs 12:15 tells us a wise man listens. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry …” You already know what it is that you have to say; the purpose of conversing is to hear what the other person has to say as much as it is to make sure they hear what you are saying.

There are three parts to listening:

  1. Stop talking.
  2. Eliminate distractions
  3. Ask questions

In order to hear someone, you have to stop talking. Create space and opportunity for your spouse to share what they think. Ladies, this is especially important for us because we have a tendency to do all of the talking and then complain that our husband never shares anything. When we stop doing all the talking, we can begin to hear what the other person is saying. If you want to get your husband (or wife) involved, ask questions. “How do you feel about this?” “What are you thinking?” “Do you have any ideas as to how we can resolve this?” “What is your ideal outcome in this situation?” Engage the other person with open-ended questions.

It helps if we pick a good place and time to talk too. Turn off the TV. Leave your phone in another room. Tune out of the world and into your spouse and the conversation.

Repeat.

One of the most helpful tools of communicating is repetition. When you and your spouse are discussing something, repeat back to him/her what you heard. What someone says and what we hear are often two different things, and that is where confusion, frustration, and anger creep into the equation. Repeating back to your spouse what you heard them say minimizes and often eliminates these complications because it gives the other person a chance to clarify any misunderstandings. Make sure you have them repeat what they heard you say as well to create the opportunity for you to do the same. This ensures the messages being communicated and heard are the same thing.

Kind, gentle, patient

No matter what the purpose of the conversation you’re having is, it is important to be aware of what you say, how you say it, and why you say it. When we lose self-control and carelessly say whatever we want however we want, we can easily hurt our spouse and do more harm than good. When discussing a heated topic or serious issue, keep yourself in check. If you need to take 5 minutes to calm down, do it. You can never unsay something. You can apologize, but like a shattered vase, the fractures often remain. What we say is important as is how we say it.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 18:21 goes on to say, “The tongue has the power of life and death …” It’s imperative to communicate, but it should be done with love, grace, patience, kindness, and self-control. Otherwise, you are only creating damage instead of building, strengthening, and connecting.

Try, try again.

There are times when you are trying to communicate with your spouse, especially on sensitive subjects, and things will go awry. The conversation may go off the tracks a bit, and you won’t necessarily get the results you want for one reason or another. Don’t give up. Like a pro athlete, the only way to get better, grow stronger, and be the best as something, is to keep working hard at it. Refuse to give up. Learn from the experience – what could you do better, differently, or even the same. Dust yourself off and try again another time. The key to successful communication is to always work at it. If you are really at a stalemate, enlist the help of a professional who can help facilitate the conversation and teach you some skills for future reference.

Communicating is not as easy or superfluous as it may seem. There are times where we feel like we’re talking to a wall or beating our head against one. The great news? Walls can be broken down or hurdled. We just can’t give up on communicating. Relationships need communication. When we stop communicating, we cut off the flow of life and health to our relationship. Don’t stop listening, sharing, or caring!

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.