By Ashley McIlwain

Husbands are interesting creatures. They are so different from us women in too many ways to count, and while that can be incredibly frustrating, it’s also a wonderful blessing. They can make our day, and they can turn our world upside down. They can make us feel like we’re the most loved and adored woman alive, and they can also hurt our feelings. They can be sensitive and unaware. Husbands, while at times confusing and exasperating, they are wonderful treasures and blessings.

What I’ve come to realize as a wife is that my relationship with my husband is a work in progress with a learning curve. Marriage is a refining process. Loving someone so deeply and being so vulnerable with one another has a way of revealing areas in need of adjustment, growth, and refinement. My marriage has been the greatest character development opportunity for me. In order to have a great marriage, I have to constantly be willing to work at it and be honest with myself about things I need to work on and change.

Many wives out there complain about their husbands. I hear it a lot – negativity toward all the things their husbands are not. Resentment for what they view as inadequacies in their husband. Bitterness for the things he doesn’t do instead of the things he does. Before you know it, wives become an angry bee swarming around her nest barking orders, tearing down her husband, and making misery her closest companion.

While our husband may not always do the things we want, be the man we wish he was, and/or fulfill our every hope and dream, that doesn’t make him worthless or unlovable. It makes him the man you married – perfectly imperfect. A work in progress … just like you. When we allow ourselves to get caught in a negative, condescending, disrespectful downward spiral, not only do we hurt our husband, but we hurt ourselves.

More times than not, as women, we blame our husbands for our unhappiness. We neglect to see our own faults and failures because we’re so focused on his. Instead of seeing our part in the problem and taking personal responsibility, we give ourselves a free pass and imprison our husband. Both husband and wife need to constantly work at their marriage, but ladies, I think at times, we need take a bit of the pressure off our husbands and realize that there are some common mistakes we make as wives, which do not help our situation.

  1. Expect him to be your girlfriend. Our husbands are not our girlfriends. To expect them to want to constantly chit chat over every detail of the day while sipping on coffee concoctions and getting a pedicure isn’t fair. You chose him because he’s a man, so stop chastising him for being just that. Save the girly antics for your girlfriends, and enjoy your husband’s masculinity.
  2. Treat him like a child. There are times where we may feel we have to spell everything out and take care of our husband as if he were a child, but he’s not one. Don’t correct, speak to, or treat him like a child; it’s so emasculating and inappropriate. Treat him with the respect he deserves.
  3. Expect him to be your savior. There is only one Savior, and it’s not your husband. It’s Jesus Christ. We can’t possibly put expectations on our husband to somehow be our everything, to rescue us from all hurt and pain, to give us our identity. He will certainly fail us is we force him to try and be what only the one true Savior can be.
  4. Minimize his efforts. “It’s about time you did that! I’ve only asked you a hundred times.” Wives, we can’t afford to minimize our husband’s efforts. He may not do everything you ask when you ask him, but tearing him down when he does certainly will not elicit a desire in his heart to do more. It’s ok to work with him on what he does and when, but that should be accomplished through requests, patience, love, respect, and affirmation instead of criticism. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up …”
  5. Belittle him, especially in front of others. Most men have a primary or at least secondary love language of words of affirmation, which I believe ties into their desire and need for respect (Ephesians 5:33). Hurtful, critical, demeaning words are so destructive to your husband and your marriage, and that effect is compounded when done in front of others. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Bring life to your husband and your marriage by using kind, affirming, respectful, and loving words.
  6. Don’t allow him to help you around the house. Wives seem to constantly complain that their husbands don’t help out enough, but are you allowing him to? What I’ve found in my own marriage and in many others is that women want it done their way, so they don’t allow their husbands to help. They also tend to not ask; they just expect, and that’s a recipe for disaster. Ask your spouse to help, allow him to do it his way, and then encourage him through your appreciation.
  7. Try to be everything to everyone at all times. We women tend to wear ourselves out. We want to be everything to everyone all of the time. We must learn to prioritize, let go, and enjoy life. So what if the dishes didn’t get done, or you ran out of paper towels for a day? Save yourself for what really matters – your husband and your family.
  8. Deny him sex or use it as a reward/punishment system. Sex is an intimate, holy union of two people in a way that is both spiritual and physical. It is not a bargaining chip nor is it a punishment. When you treat it as anything other than the special and sacred act that it is, you are playing with fire.
  9. Expect him to read your mind. I know that we wish our husband could read our mind and magically do everything we hope he would, but it’s not going to happen. There are times where he may intuitively know what to do or say, but more often than not, we need to learn to ask. Most men are thrilled to have an opportunity to help or do something for you, but it begins with a loving request.
  10. Do all the talking. For women, talking comes quite easily, which is why we often take point on conversations. Sometimes though, we need to stop talking and start listening. Create space for your husband to also do some of the talking. Ask him questions. You just might be surprised at what all he has to say when he’s given the chance.

As wives, we have the honor and privilege of loving our husband. He is a blessing and a gift from God. While he may not be perfect, he is the one you chose, and there are many wonderful reasons for that choice you made. Cultivating greatness and love in your husband and marriage begins with you. Be tender, supportive, respectful, and patient. It’s ok to work together to be the best husband and wife possible, but it should always be done with grace.

Wives

One of the greatest opportunities and roles we can ever have or hold is a loving, supportive wife. Savor and cherish that role realizing the responsibility and blessing that comes with it.

A few verses to ponder:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger. –Proverbs 15:1

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. –Proverbs 21:9

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. – Proverbs 27:15-16

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:10-12

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